How to talk to someone with a disability

Over the past few months I've thought a lot about how I and others react to people with disabilities, or people who are "different." I've done a lot of soul-searching on the issue, taken notice of other people's reactions, and come to some personal conclusions. I haven't dealt with reactions too much yet- though I have definitely dealt with it, even more so now with Anna's in-your-face casts. I do know it will be something we experience more of in the future. Let's face it, a child with one foot is not exactly common.

I've thought about how I used to react to people when I noticed they were different- different in a way that grabs your immediate attention. I, like most people, would be curious and maybe look at the person but try not to make it obvious. It's our human tendency to be curious. I think this is how most people respond. If you happen to be with small children who are more blunt about their thoughts ("Mommy, why does that person have____"), you might tell your child to be quiet up and stop asking questions or push them along out of earshot. Of course, there are the less empathetic people who will make outright rude comments, but the majority follow the above patterns.

Let's be honest. That whole let-me-stare-but-pretend-I'm-not thing? Yeah. It doesn't work. People know you are staring. And it doesn't feel so great. It actually doesn't bother me personally, but I'm a Mama Bear and I know it will when Anna is old enough to be affected by it. I used to be the person who would try to indiscreetly stare, but I've changed my ways:

Several months ago, I walked by a man at our church who sits outside with his severely mentally disabled daughter. He holds her, often while she writhes and groans. We are new to the church and it's rather large so I don't personally know the man. At first I was curious about her but I didn't want to be "rude" (or so I thought) so I did the usual and tried not to look or draw attention to them. But when I thought about it, pretending like he wasn't there was pretty rude in itself. I realized I was reacting this way more for my own comfort, and then telling myself it was to be "polite." I asked myself, "how would I want to be treated if that were my daughter?" (always a good question to ask). I would want you to talk to me like a human being. So I went up and sat next to him, talked to his daughter, and then asked some gentle questions. We talked for a long time, and he was clearly eager to talk about his daughter, which made us both feel good. We ended up encouraging each other on towards the Lord, and it was the best moment I'd had in a long time. I learned a lot from this.

I can't speak for anyone other than myself, but I think most people just want to be treated like people. I would rather you ask a question up front then whisper when you think I won't notice. I would rather you give your child an honest answer or even turn it into a teachable moment than shush them up and tell them to be quiet. Sometimes you can't always pretend like the elephant's not in the room. I understand your curiosity. I just want you to approach it differently.

I know people won't always react the way I would like them to when it becomes clear Anna has one foot. I know people will say and do hurtful things at times. But if it were up to me, people would look me in the eye and ask "How did she lose her leg?" instead of staring or avoiding eye contact. They would say something like this to their curious kids: "It looks like she lost her leg somehow. Maybe there was an accident, or maybe she was born that way. It looks like she can get around real well and do all the things you can do with that leg! If you want to ask her Mommy about it, you can, but don't forget your manners." Maybe that is idealistic but hey, this is a blog. I'm allowed to be idealistic.

I guess this qualifies as a "preachy" post. I must be due for one of those right about now :)

Lastly, I recently came across this tidbit in a Dr. Sears book (I think it was the Christian Parenting book) talking about fostering empathy in young children. When he mentioned people with disabilities, particularly a man with one leg, it made my heart skip a beat:

When a child notices something different about a person and brings it to your attention, turn it into a teachable moment. Suppose you are in the supermarket with your daughter and she says, "That man only has one leg." Don't just hush her up and tell her not to stare. Make a point of acknowledging what your child has seen, and share some insight. "Yes, I see, and he uses a wheelchair to get around. I bet that makes shopping a challenge when he has a lot of groceries to buy."


You can normalize awkward situations with your insight and teach your child important values about acceptance and empathy: children need to learn that people with disabilities are just like the rest of us (they go shopping, too) but that they do have challenges to face (being in a wheelchair).


Studies done by Drs. Janet Strayer and William Roberts found that the more empathy a child feels for another person, the more similar that person seems. "When we are empathetic with somebody, it makes our dissimilarities seem similar," says Strayer. How you talk about people being "handicapped" or "disabled" affects how your child thinks about them. Teach your child that people with disabilities are people first. They are more like people without disabilities than they are different from them.


Well said, doc. Well said.