It's late and I'm sleep deprived, so please forgive my poor grammar and run-on sentences.
I've been re-visiting my experience with nursing Anna now that I have little Kimberly, and remembering some of the feelings and thoughts I have regarding that first four months.
You hear it many times before you give birth, at the hospital, and once you leave for home with your precious newborn. Breastmilk is the best form of nutrition. Only feed your baby breastmilk until they are six months of age. I totally get this. I agree with it. I'm supportive of the recent push for breastfeeding in our society. It's a good thing. But my experience with my first born has let me to believe that at times the pressure can be a little excessive. While it's true that breastfeeding is the best way to feed your baby, I also think mothers shouldn't be shamed or treated like quitters for needing to go an alternate route. I wrote a little bit about my story in the past but here is a refresher:
Anna was miserable for the first three months of her life. She screamed for about 75% of the time she was awake, and the time she was asleep she writhed around in pain, waking up every hour or so. We considered all sorts of possibilities for her pain. I knew something was not right. But mostly people told us that it was normal baby gas pains, colic, etc. and that eventually it would go away. It was some of the hardest three months of my life. Nursing was a nightmare. Anna hated to nurse, and she pulled away and screamed consistently. I was trapped at home trying to feed her all day because she wouldn't eat. I kept at it, mostly because I felt like it was the only option and that switching to bottle-feeding was the cardinal sin. I tried all sorts of diets, remedies, etc. At one point I was only eating five foods. Five foods. I thought perhaps she could be allergic to dairy but everything I was told or read said that mothers are over sensitive about this and "it's most likely not an issue" was the common word on the street. I was usually encouraged to try and improve my nursing technique. "There is never a reason to need to stop breastfeeding" was the regular motto. So I did. I did everything advised to me. I talked with numerous people recommended to me. I tried a bazillion different techniques and tips. I contacted La Leche League. I had the lactation consultant on speed dial. Nothing helped. I was really stressed and baby girl was so unhappy.
I finally threw insecurity, advice, and society's expectations to the wind and switched Anna to soy formula at 3.5 months. Life became like a dream compared to what it had been. She was happy, healthier (sans a little constipation), and so were we. I only wish I'd done it sooner.
When we finally took Anna to the pediatric allergist months later it was discovered: She had milk protein allergy. She showed the highest sensitivity possible on the test. The allergist explained to me that milk protein remains in a mother's breast milk and is passed to the baby. It's not the same as having a baby who is 'sensitive' to dairy and gets a little fussy, but who can handle when the mother has a piece of cheese. Babies with milk protein allergy can't tolerate any bit of dairy in the mother's diet. And God knows I love dairy. So finally we knew- this is why Anna was so unhappy and in so much pain for the first three months of her life. It all made a lot of sense: her constant screaming, the mucousy bowel movements, her refusal to nurse and lack of weight gain. I wanted to cry for my little girl and her pain that I couldn't take away.
Why didn't I switch her to formula earlier? Why did I continue to breastfeed my daughter when she was so miserable? With the new baby here and another 'go' at nursing, I've done some soul searching about the issue and this is what I came up with:
Lack of knowledge- I didn't know she could have milk protein allergy and that it could bother her so much. Everything I was told is that most women who think their child has a problem with dairy are probably incorrect and to not stop breastfeeding.
Pressure (real or imagined)- the pressure from society that formula is from the devil and your child will not be as smart, attached to you, or overall fabulous if you don't breastfeed exclusively (not true).
Feelings of inferiority- I feared what other people would think if I fed my baby formula.
That I was lazy.
That I was a bad mom.
That I was selfish.
That I didn't care about what was best for my child.
All not true. Unfortunately the fear of others thinking I wasn't doing what was best for child actually kept me from doing what was best for her (and for me). Ironic.
So why am I writing about this now? Ben and I decided that with Kimberly, I would stop being ridiculous and do what was best for the family. If breastfeeding was causing everyone to be stressed and unhappy, than we wouldn't put the whole family through misery in the name of nursing. For now, breastfeeding is going okay (though like Anna, the baby has a hard time with the touchy speed of my milk flow, which vaccilates between being unamanageably fast and painfully slow). I will do all I can to continue and encourage successful nursing. But if something goes majorly wrong, and we feel like the best choice is to stop- I'm listening to my motherly instincts. And I think all women should have the right to do so without being judged.
Rant over.
Showing posts with label Breastfeeding. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Breastfeeding. Show all posts
January 23, 2013
July 14, 2011
Grieved?
Well, Anna is officially weaned. I did everything I could over the last two months (including that terrible diet for 3 weeks) to continue nursing, but the feeding problems were not fixable and it wasn't working for her. She wasn't gaining weight, was miserable eating and it was a constant battle to get her to eat, and she was still reacting to foods that I ate (God knows what they could have been since I was barely eating anything). I was not too happy or healthy either, living off of sugary carbs and a major lack of protein.
At first I wrote this whole post about how grieved I was about the whole thing- how couldn't God throw me a bone? That I felt he "owed me" this one (silly as that sounds)- that with all the other struggles- the birth/surgery/separation at birth, her low birth weight, major food allergies, difficulty eating, and most of all her leg, that at least God could give us nursing for more than three-and-a-half months! That why couldn't he give us any of the things like everyone else- a normal delivery, healthy baby, breastfeeding for a year, etc? Then to top off my woe-is-me fest, I developed mastitis yesterday. Let me tell you how much fun THAT is.
I had a pity party because, well it's easy to do.
Then today, while I watched Anna chug down 3oz in one feeding without any protests, frustration or discomfort- something she NEVER did while breastfeeding, watched her happy little face as she got a constant flow of milk that was consistent- not changing from fast to slow depending on the day which she had a really hard time dealing with... saw her stop screaming her head off from allergic reactions, watched her actually going several (3) hours content without getting hungry (rarely before), and saw her sleeping better. Seeing her happy little face with her bottle, I got over my grief real quick. After all, it's about her, not me.
God taught me a lot through all of this. He taught me that things don't always happen as you expect them to (a natural delivery, breastfeeding, etc.). He taught me not to judge others- honestly, I used to view women who did not breastfeed as being perhaps a little lazy or selfish. I thought they either wanted their freedom or just weren't trying hard enough. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. "Judge, and you will be judged". After three-and-a-half months of giving every ounce of sweat and tears into nursing, I realized that weaning did not mean any of those things for me. It was simply the only decision left. I'm still hoping our next baby will fare better. Actually, I'm believing God for it!
So I will have to get over my embarrassment of bottle feeding my daughter in front of others. No, I cannot be the perfect mom that I wanted to be. But I think God's really setting the stage for the future.... I can't control what happens with my children, I can't be a perfect mom, and I can't do things because they please man. I can't boast about how I prayed for all these things and God gave them to me (and yes, we did pray for all these things while pregnant! Does that mean God didn't hear me as much as someone else who had a natural delivery and easy nursing? Certainly not!) I can only do the best I can do, pray, and leave the rest up to Him.
So, I am officially not grieved! Oh, and I would like to give a shout-out to my wonderful mother and mother-in-law who were so loving and supportive through my whole back-and-forth with the whole thing- never once judging or pressuring me (and my mother-in-law successfully breastfed her 5 children for almost a year each!).
And guess what? As soon as Anna switched to a bottle only (not bottle and breastfeeding like we were doing for a while), she actually put herself naturally on some sort of routine (with a little guidance). Imagine that- without all the haywire breastfeeding problems, she developed more consistency. Her rhythm seems to put her on the following loose schedule. I just added the fun things I like to do with her into it. I'm definitely not do-or-die about this, but at least it helps with some consistency. I've been told it's somewhat like Gina Ford's proposed baby schedule in some book. Imagine that. I am definitely not hard core about this whatsoever....
My Routine (by Anna)
7:00-Eat and play by myself while mommy gets ready, go for a walk outside before it gets too hot
9:00-Nap (in crib)
9:30- Eat, Take a bath, play with something new around the house
11:00- Nap (crib)
11:30-Eat, chill outside with mommy on our blanket (I like to look at the trees), read stories
12:45- Nap (in my sling because, well it's fun and I sleep really well. Mommy likes it too)
2:30 Eat, Hang out with mommy while she cleans & does chores, maybe chill in my swing for a bit, listen to music
4:00 Nap
4:30- Eat, play with Daddy while Mommy makes dinner (I'm sick of mommy by now)
6:00-Eat and Daddy does our bedtime routine.
6:30 Bedtime
July 7, 2011
The "Diet"
In her first few months of life, Anna would regularly scream and cry in pain. It seemed to be at random times and was always very distressing for her- poor thing. She would also squirm around all night and have other symptoms like eczema, rash on her bottom, etc. We wrote it off to typical baby GI discomfort and some reflux.
It wasn't until recently when congestion and eczema on her face remained for over a month that we started to suspect food allergies/food intolerances. Considering that all of Ben's siblings have some form of food allergy- mainly severe nut allergies- and had lots of food intolerances as children, we should have figured it out earlier. My former boss had recommended going on the elimination diet beginning when she was born, but I thought it was totally unnecessary. I now wish I had listened to her. The first thing I did was cut out peanut butter after Anna had some scary breathing episode, which may or may not have been from the food, but it freaked me out enough to drop it quickly (why did I eat peanut butter to begin with? I should have been smarter). Then I cut out dairy and the congestion and eczema went away. Let me tell you how difficult a life without dairy is. It is my number one, all-time favorite food group- cereal with milk, ice cream, CHEESE!
Cutting out dairy still wasn't enough. We noticed Anna would continue to get very upset, though less often. Because food can take anywhere from 6 to 48 hours to get into your milk (or something like that), it's very difficult to know which foods are actually the culprit by the time in affects the infant. After a few weeks of frustration, I realized I had to go back to the basics if I wanted to make any real headway. So I started what I am calling "the diet". I'm only eating things that I know Anna is NOT allergic to- mainly the most non-allergic foods out there, as well as some others I know she's done well with. My diet consists only of the following foods right now:
Oatmeal
Avocado
Beans
Rice
Corn
Turkey
Lamb
Squash and zucchini
Pears
Mushrooms
Bananas
blackberry jam
bagels and multigrain bread
Pork
Potatoes
Green pepper
I'm adding in one food every 3 days to see how she reacts. This is painstakingly tedious... especially for someone who likes instant results. I tried adding a few foods in at one time on Monday (mango, apple, and cucumber) because I thought they were not likely to elicit a reaction. Sure enough, she reacted to something, and now I don't know which of the 3 it was. I feel like I wasted 3 precious days!
Did you know some of the most common allergies for infants/children are: citrus fruits, tomatoes, wheat, eggs, chocolate, peanuts and nuts, soy, fish, strawberries, and cow's milk? I have already realized Anna is sensitive to/intolerant of: milk/dairy, chocolate (boo), peanuts, nuts, possibly chicken, and raspberries. Yes, raspberries- who would have known? I bought some raspberry sorbet as a replacement to my poor ice cream ritual and Anna was up screaming the next night. She refused to nurse. I couldn't think of what on earth it was (raspberries just didn't come to my mind as a possibility). Then I remembered one day in Athens when Anna was the same way- screaming for hours- while we were visiting Fernando's. I had eaten a pint of raspberries the day before. This was somewhat easy to figure out because I rarely eat raspberries.
All that said, it is quite difficult to stay off of so many foods. Almost all processed foods have milk or soy (thankfully she is fine with wheat or I would really be in trouble). We don't each much processed foods anyway, but it's still difficult to find some staples. Food tastes bland. I often find that I can have one food but nothing to go with it (like a bagel with no butter or cream cheese, a potato with no butter or sour cream, a salad with no dressing). But on the bright side, I have been introduced to lamb which I really like, and I'm learning not to find comfort in food like I used to. It almost feels like a purifying experience- a healthy dose of self-discipline. I'm basically just eating to get my nutrition and fill up, and learning to find contentment in that. While at times it seems so frustrating (turning down meal invites or having to eat at home before I go while practically drooling over someone's plate), there are so many people in the world who live off of 2 to 5 foods their entire life. Still, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I miss my cheese, chocolate, and peanut butter a lot :)
I was getting annoyed trying to find meals to make that didn't involve some of the ingredients I can't eat. So, with Ben's blessing, I picked 6 meals that fit the bill and I'm making only those for now. Yes, we are eating the same 6 meals each week. It was really the only way to make it work for us right now. At least grocery shopping is easier. Here's the menu:
Monday- Lamb kebabs with green pepper and squash, white rice
Tuesday- Zucchini and potato hash with egg
Wednesday- Beans and rice, corn
Thursday- lamb chops, Lima beans, white rice
Friday- Lentil salad, avocado, banana
Saturday- turkey thighs, zucchini or squash, rice
Sunday- pork chops with avocado and black eyed peas, sweet potato
Breakfast consists of toast with avocado and banana, lunch is leftovers, and snacks are dry rice cereal, plain bagels, toast with blackberry jam, and bananas. It gets old after a while.
Hopefully she will grow out of the intolerances. It can happen anywhere from 6 months to 12+ months. All that said, breastfeeding has been a challenge for this and many other reasons. I'm not sure if Anna will continue to nurse well enough for us to stay with it, but I will keep it up as long as she wants (she's already had episodes of trying to 'wean early'- I won't go into the details of some of the additional reasons for you male readers out there :). Even though it's a major drag sometimes, it's worth it to see her happy and no longer in pain... and I know that she's still getting the best form of nutrition.
It wasn't until recently when congestion and eczema on her face remained for over a month that we started to suspect food allergies/food intolerances. Considering that all of Ben's siblings have some form of food allergy- mainly severe nut allergies- and had lots of food intolerances as children, we should have figured it out earlier. My former boss had recommended going on the elimination diet beginning when she was born, but I thought it was totally unnecessary. I now wish I had listened to her. The first thing I did was cut out peanut butter after Anna had some scary breathing episode, which may or may not have been from the food, but it freaked me out enough to drop it quickly (why did I eat peanut butter to begin with? I should have been smarter). Then I cut out dairy and the congestion and eczema went away. Let me tell you how difficult a life without dairy is. It is my number one, all-time favorite food group- cereal with milk, ice cream, CHEESE!
Cutting out dairy still wasn't enough. We noticed Anna would continue to get very upset, though less often. Because food can take anywhere from 6 to 48 hours to get into your milk (or something like that), it's very difficult to know which foods are actually the culprit by the time in affects the infant. After a few weeks of frustration, I realized I had to go back to the basics if I wanted to make any real headway. So I started what I am calling "the diet". I'm only eating things that I know Anna is NOT allergic to- mainly the most non-allergic foods out there, as well as some others I know she's done well with. My diet consists only of the following foods right now:
Oatmeal
Avocado
Beans
Rice
Corn
Turkey
Lamb
Squash and zucchini
Pears
Mushrooms
Bananas
blackberry jam
bagels and multigrain bread
Pork
Potatoes
Green pepper
I'm adding in one food every 3 days to see how she reacts. This is painstakingly tedious... especially for someone who likes instant results. I tried adding a few foods in at one time on Monday (mango, apple, and cucumber) because I thought they were not likely to elicit a reaction. Sure enough, she reacted to something, and now I don't know which of the 3 it was. I feel like I wasted 3 precious days!
Did you know some of the most common allergies for infants/children are: citrus fruits, tomatoes, wheat, eggs, chocolate, peanuts and nuts, soy, fish, strawberries, and cow's milk? I have already realized Anna is sensitive to/intolerant of: milk/dairy, chocolate (boo), peanuts, nuts, possibly chicken, and raspberries. Yes, raspberries- who would have known? I bought some raspberry sorbet as a replacement to my poor ice cream ritual and Anna was up screaming the next night. She refused to nurse. I couldn't think of what on earth it was (raspberries just didn't come to my mind as a possibility). Then I remembered one day in Athens when Anna was the same way- screaming for hours- while we were visiting Fernando's. I had eaten a pint of raspberries the day before. This was somewhat easy to figure out because I rarely eat raspberries.
All that said, it is quite difficult to stay off of so many foods. Almost all processed foods have milk or soy (thankfully she is fine with wheat or I would really be in trouble). We don't each much processed foods anyway, but it's still difficult to find some staples. Food tastes bland. I often find that I can have one food but nothing to go with it (like a bagel with no butter or cream cheese, a potato with no butter or sour cream, a salad with no dressing). But on the bright side, I have been introduced to lamb which I really like, and I'm learning not to find comfort in food like I used to. It almost feels like a purifying experience- a healthy dose of self-discipline. I'm basically just eating to get my nutrition and fill up, and learning to find contentment in that. While at times it seems so frustrating (turning down meal invites or having to eat at home before I go while practically drooling over someone's plate), there are so many people in the world who live off of 2 to 5 foods their entire life. Still, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I miss my cheese, chocolate, and peanut butter a lot :)
I was getting annoyed trying to find meals to make that didn't involve some of the ingredients I can't eat. So, with Ben's blessing, I picked 6 meals that fit the bill and I'm making only those for now. Yes, we are eating the same 6 meals each week. It was really the only way to make it work for us right now. At least grocery shopping is easier. Here's the menu:
Monday- Lamb kebabs with green pepper and squash, white rice
Tuesday- Zucchini and potato hash with egg
Wednesday- Beans and rice, corn
Thursday- lamb chops, Lima beans, white rice
Friday- Lentil salad, avocado, banana
Saturday- turkey thighs, zucchini or squash, rice
Sunday- pork chops with avocado and black eyed peas, sweet potato
Breakfast consists of toast with avocado and banana, lunch is leftovers, and snacks are dry rice cereal, plain bagels, toast with blackberry jam, and bananas. It gets old after a while.
Hopefully she will grow out of the intolerances. It can happen anywhere from 6 months to 12+ months. All that said, breastfeeding has been a challenge for this and many other reasons. I'm not sure if Anna will continue to nurse well enough for us to stay with it, but I will keep it up as long as she wants (she's already had episodes of trying to 'wean early'- I won't go into the details of some of the additional reasons for you male readers out there :). Even though it's a major drag sometimes, it's worth it to see her happy and no longer in pain... and I know that she's still getting the best form of nutrition.
March 31, 2011
Anna Noelle
Let's see...what else about Anna? She's a voracious eater. Instead of the "suck, suck, suck, swallow" pattern of normal breastfeeding, Anna is swallow, swallow, swallow, suck, swallow; when she feels like it, she's all business. She put the other L & D babies to shame. I tried to set up a breastfeeding tournament and get some bets going, but word got around quick about Anna and her supersucking skills. So I had to settle for a blue ribbon (w/ pink trim) Champion Breastfeeder award stuck to our hospital room door, which she won by default. (The other babies declined to enter the competition and all had the same excuse - poopy diaper.) Oh well, I'm sure there will be other opportunities to profit from my darling daughter;) Back to her habits, other times she cries wolf or plays hard to get, acting like she is dying of thirst and then sticking her nose up at the proffered meal. Sorry honey, you can have mama's milk or you can have mama's milk. This menu is smaller than you, Pintsize. Or, she sleeps on the job. Anna, I didn't teach you that. Must be my better half.
Anna's also pretty photogenic for her age (2 1/2 days old). We've already captured a smile or two on camera, as well as her pursing her miniscule yet luscious ruby-red lips. One time I caught her in the act and couldn't resist. I gave her a quick peck on the lips and she threw her arms up in surprise (the startling reflex common in newborns).
Believe it or not, Anna cashed in for the moment, so her proud daddy might as well follow suit.
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