Grieved?

Well, Anna is officially weaned. I did everything I could over the last two months (including that terrible diet for 3 weeks) to continue nursing, but the feeding problems were not fixable and it wasn't working for her. She wasn't gaining weight, was miserable eating and it was a constant battle to get her to eat, and she was still reacting to foods that I ate (God knows what they could have been since I was barely eating anything). I was not too happy or healthy either, living off of sugary carbs and a major lack of protein.

At first I wrote this whole post about how grieved I was about the whole thing- how couldn't God throw me a bone?  That I felt he "owed me" this one (silly as that sounds)- that with all the other struggles- the birth/surgery/separation at birth, her low birth weight, major food allergies, difficulty eating, and most of all her leg, that at least God could give us nursing for more than three-and-a-half months! That why couldn't he give us any of the things like everyone else- a normal delivery, healthy baby, breastfeeding for a year, etc? Then to top off my woe-is-me fest, I developed mastitis yesterday. Let me tell you how much fun THAT is.

I had a pity party because, well it's easy to do.

Then today, while I watched Anna chug down 3oz in one feeding without any protests, frustration or discomfort- something she NEVER did while breastfeeding, watched her happy little face as she got a constant flow of milk that was consistent- not changing from fast to slow depending on the day which she had a really hard time dealing with... saw her stop screaming her head off from allergic reactions, watched her actually going several (3) hours content without getting hungry (rarely before), and saw her sleeping better. Seeing her happy little face with her bottle, I got over my grief real quick. After all, it's about her, not me.

God taught me a lot through all of this. He taught me that things don't always happen as you expect them to (a natural delivery, breastfeeding, etc.). He taught me not to judge others- honestly, I used to view women who did not breastfeed as being perhaps a little lazy or selfish. I thought they either wanted their freedom or just weren't trying hard enough. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the truth. "Judge, and you will be judged". After three-and-a-half months of giving every ounce of sweat and tears into nursing, I realized that weaning did not mean any of those things for me. It was simply the only decision left. I'm still hoping our next baby will fare better. Actually, I'm believing God for it!

So I will have to get over my embarrassment of bottle feeding my daughter in front of others. No, I cannot be the perfect mom that I wanted to be. But I think God's really setting the stage for the future.... I can't control what happens with my children, I can't be a perfect mom, and I can't do things because they please man. I can't boast about how I prayed for all these things and God gave them to me (and yes, we did pray for all these things while pregnant! Does that mean God didn't hear me as much as someone else who had a natural delivery and easy nursing? Certainly not!) I can only do the best I can do, pray, and leave the rest up to Him.

So, I am officially not grieved! Oh, and I would like to give a shout-out to my wonderful mother and mother-in-law who were so loving and supportive through my whole back-and-forth with the whole thing- never once judging or pressuring me (and my mother-in-law successfully breastfed her 5 children for almost a year each!).

And guess what? As soon as Anna switched to a bottle only (not bottle and breastfeeding like we were doing for a while), she actually put herself naturally on some sort of routine (with a little guidance). Imagine that- without all the haywire breastfeeding problems, she developed more consistency. Her rhythm seems to put her on the following loose schedule. I just added the fun things I like to do with her into it. I'm definitely not do-or-die about this, but at least it helps with some consistency. I've been told it's somewhat like Gina Ford's proposed baby schedule in some book. Imagine that. I am definitely not hard core about this whatsoever....

My Routine (by Anna)
7:00-Eat and play by myself while mommy gets ready, go for a walk outside before it gets too hot
9:00-Nap (in crib)
9:30- Eat, Take a bath, play with something new around the house
11:00- Nap (crib)
11:30-Eat, chill outside with mommy on our blanket (I like to look at the trees), read stories
12:45- Nap (in my sling because, well it's fun and I sleep really well. Mommy likes it too)
2:30 Eat, Hang out with mommy while she cleans & does chores, maybe chill in my swing for a bit, listen to music
4:00 Nap
4:30- Eat, play with Daddy while Mommy makes dinner (I'm sick of mommy by now)
6:00-Eat and Daddy does our bedtime routine.
6:30 Bedtime