Good

A few week ago Ben and I celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary! It's hard to believe it has been that long. It's hard to believe only six years ago we were saying, "I do." Anniversaries always give me a reason to pause and reflect on life, love, and God's work.




The season that Ben and I have entered recently has been one of joy. Our children are thriving, my mental health is the best it's ever been, our marriage is thriving, we have a wonderful living situation. We have finally found true community: a church we love, good friends, and two discipleship relationships that we've prayed for, for a long time. I've found my place in the church and have started a ministry that I'm passionate about. The girls attend a church school that is wonderful and affordable. Ben's job is not perfect, as no job is, but it's good and he has a supervisor who cares about him as a person. I've found a part-time job that allows me the opportunity to use my skills without sacrificing my children's care.




Things are in no way perfect, or always easy, but for the first time in our marriage (and honestly, in my life) things feel good. They feel healthy, and easier. They feel more natural. This feels much different from the adversity we have gone through in the past. Both in our marriage and in life in general. I honestly never knew that things could be this good. I have been so used to expecting the worst and thinking I didn't deserve much better; that it would never happen for me. And now that it has, it is easy to see God as loving, kind, good, and present.



But God is always good. Not that I haven't felt that way in the past, but it feels so easy at this time in our lives. When things go well, when we experience 'blessings' (that word is not always appropriate, for easy things are not the only form of blessing), we walk around saying that "God is good."  We know in our minds that God is good. That he can never be anything but good, however, if we are honest with ourselves, this doesn't always ring true in our lives. We don't always believe it in our hearts, and we don't always act as though it's true. It's hard to believe that God truly, truly cares about us when we are walking through the fire. It is hard to believe that God truly hasn't forgotten us, that he hasn't turned his back from our pain, that he is the epitome of lovingkindness. During this season of my life, I don't want to simply sit back and relish in the beauty of today, right now. I want to sink my roots in God's goodness no matter the season. No matter the circumstances.






When my father was killed.
He was good.




When I was depressed as a child.
He was good.




When my heart was broken by a man I loved.
He was good.




When Ben and I experienced deep brokenness overseas.
He was good.




When we struggled in our marriage.
He was good.




When we lost our first baby.
He was good.




When we almost lost Anna.
He was good.




When the nurse came back to tell us that our daughter's amputation was complete.
He was good.




When I wept over the effect of life-threatening allergies on my family's life.
He was good.




When my mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
He was good.




When I battle with the risk of losing my daughter to anaphylaxis.
He is good.




He wept with me. He cared. He loved. 
Just as much then as now.




Just. As. Much. Then. As. Now.




He was good. He is good. He will be good. For all of eternity. Today, tomorrow, and yesterday.


I know that I will again walk through difficulty, sorrow, and adversity. But I pray that my faith will not waver; that I will not experience God's goodness any less, any less tangible, than I do right now. That I will believe and act in my heart as though God is truly who he says he is. That I will know that my experience of reality does not affect the reality that God is who he says he is.




Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say,

 Blessed be the name of the Lord

- Matt Redman

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

Psalm 107:1

A Long Road

My sweet hubby is finished with his 27 months of Physician Assistant school. When they said it would be a hard, long road, they weren't kidding! It has been a harder season than either of us would have ever thought. It's almost surreal to think that it's actually coming to an end!

I thought I would share a bit of Ben's and my journey along this road. When I first met Ben, we weren't in the kind of position that would have typically resulted in marriage. He was finishing up his pre-med courses and preparing to apply to medical school (his previous degree was in economics). I had some fresh emotional scars from a past long-term relationship with a driven medical student. After years of constant reminders of how low I was on the priority food chain, I was eventually left behind, heartbroken and with feelings of inadequacy. From that experience I developed a cynical view of the type of personalities I thought medical school drew: perfectionists, workaholics, people prone to criticism or unrealistic expectations. Not for me, I thought. So when I found out Ben was pursuing medical school I was wary. I wasn't sure I was willing to go down that road again.

Eventually I realized that my perceptions were of course faulty. Ben was nothing like what I thought he would be, and I soon realized that no matter what career field he choose, he would always make his family feel loved, emotionally secure, and a priority. What people sometimes don't understand is that you don't have to sacrifice career goals to give those things to your family. It doesn't have to be one or the other - you can have both. There just has to be a balance. Ben has this maturity that's allowed him to find that balance, and I really respect him for that. I started to realize that I could marry a future doctor.

Ben ended up studying only a few weeks for the medical school entrance examination. If you know anything about the MCAT, that is an unusually short time to prepare. He ended up getting a good score, especially considering what little time he put into it. He only applied to one competitive school, however, and was wait-listed. At this point there were a lot of questions. He knew there was a good chance he would get in if he waited. He also knew he could get into other schools without a problem. But at this point, God came in and caused him to reevaluate his path.

Ben decided that he wanted to get married and have a family sooner rather than later. He knew that 4 years of medical school and the subsequent 3+ years of  residency during the young years of his children's lives would take a toll on his family. He sought God's wisdom and decided to pursue Physician Assistant school. While there were lots of factors that contributed to the decision (quality of life, financial investment, length of school, job description, some feedback from current doctors on wishing they had chosen PA, etc) the primary factor was God, as it should be. It just seemed to be the right thing for us.

The school Ben attends has a very competitive PA program. It is difficult to get a spot, yet Ben was one of the 40! It was a great feeling. Then we felt God call us to India. It didn't make sense. We decided to give up the PA spot and put one foot in front of the other wherever God led us. Ben requested a deferment, so as to let God leave open or close that door. We didn't think it was even a possibility with such a competitive program as they don't typically offer deferments. Then we found out because of our long hours in India, that he wouldn't be able to fulfill all the standard requirements for deferment such as shadowing medical professionals during his year off.  Despite the barriers, he was allowed a deferment without fulfilling any of the usual requirements! With a lengthy waiting list of applicants it was definitely a little miracle from God. When we returned home from India, the opportunity was still there waiting for us, and this time we felt it was the right time.

I won't repeat what I've said in other posts about why it has been such a long, hard road. I couldn't put words to it even if I tried, and I think it's good to maintain some level of privacy :) I'm so proud of what Ben has overcome and what we have overcome as a family. Sometimes I feel like we are weaker because of the experience and resulting pain-filled scars, but in the end I believe we are stronger. Many times I want to feel bitter about how hard things have been, but I am often reminded that the tears have not been wasted. One of my all-time favorite verses has been a constant reminder for me that those who walk through the lowest of lows are rewarded with a fellowship with Jesus that is otherwise unattainable:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him...... I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3)

Congratulations Ben on your graduation from Physician Assistant school!

Three Beautiful Years

Today is Ben's and my three year anniversary. I can't believe it's already been three years. It feels so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time.

It's feels shorter because things still feel ever changing, never stagnant, and exciting. I suppose that's how it was meant to be.

It feels longer because we have already been through significant trials, heartaches, and seasons of hardship.

Yet amidst the trials, God has remained good. As he cannot be anything but. He cannot be anything other than Himself. Good. And he has shown his love to us abundantly. Sometimes we've had to search for it- to roll away a hard, cold rock to find his love resting beneath. But it's always been there.

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to uncover it.

As life goes on, I become more and more thankful for the love that pours from my wonderful husband. In time it has only increased in both weight and meaning.

The second half of this resolved2worship post was very timely in gently reminding me- amidst the blur of responsibilities that come with having a child- of what those vows meant 3 years ago. Of exactly what I committed to.

I still have a lot to learn.

Thankfully, I have a patient God.

And a very patient husband. :)

No Plan B

I received the latest Wesley newsletter today, and the title of Bob's letter immediately touched me because it has been so much a theme of Ben's and my course over the past few years. As I read his words, I was reminded that without the work God did in us at Wesley, we would not have had the strength or faith to take the steps we've felt led to take these past few years.

Bob's words touched me... because they represent what Wesley is all about, what God is all about, and it reminded me of the incredible experience it was to serve for a year with these people... how it paved the way for living a life of faith. It reminded me of everything I learned about really walking with God; how it looks different from walking with the world. Almost four years later, I can look back and say that it's a rare ministry or church that truly walks the walk when it comes to trusting in God alone... without a Plan B in case he doesn't come through. I'm thankful for everything God gave us through that place. Without my time there, I would never have been able to trust God to provide for my year at Wesley, to pack up and go to India, or for our upcoming year with a baby while Ben's in school. I wouldn't have the faith to believe God to provide for what he calls us to in the future, without needing a Plan B or to somehow make it happen out of my own planning.

It's rare to find others, even other believers, who don't think you are crazy for not having a plan (usually guised as 'wisdom'), for following God wherever he takes you, or for making decisions that the world views as 'foolish'. Where we are now, Ben and I are not as closely connected to others who live by faith as we were during our community at Wesley. It's been easy to forget, and doubt creeps in. My need to plan wants to take over. Recently a couple of old friends from Athens stopped by, and told us how they may pick up and change their current life's course because they felt God might be calling them to something crazy. They had open hands. It was like a breath of fresh air to hear... a breath of God's spirit alive in people who are willing to trust him. With Bob's letter, I felt God's gentle nudge and reminder of who he is, and who he's called us to be. Thanks Bob, for fostering a community where God moves, heals, provides, and most importantly, loves.

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
1 Corinthians 1:25


When there is no Plan B
Bob Beckwith, director

"One of the realities of campus ministry is that there is no Plan B. We have no congregation that we can look at each Sunday to provide for our needs. Every year we lose a quarter or more of our students. Each spring and summer hundreds of students join mission teams going throughout the world, most of whom having no idea where the money for the trip is going to come from.

It's a way of life for us. Either God comes through or Wesley doesn't make it. When I was first appointed here, I wasn't prepared for the trust required to lead a mission entity such as this. Eleven years later, I still live through seasons where the Lord stretches me far more than I'm comfortable with. But I'm starting to learn that this is the way it's supposed to be.

God intends for His people to step out in faith and do the things He calls them to do, contend in prayer for provision and help they can't make it without, and then live in expectation of how the Lord is going to come through for their need. Though my unbelieving flesh longs to avoid it, I've learned that it's the path that brings the Lord's blessing and Presence as do few others.

Wesley has no Plan B. It never has. My guess is it never will. It stretches us, but most of the time we wouldn't have it any other way. "

Love

I love this song because like her, it has taken me many hard lessons to realize what love is all about. Thanks to the Great Teacher, and to my 'other' teacher- my other half, or "la otra mitad de mi naranja"

Love, I made it mine
I made it small
I made it blind
I followed hard only to find
It wasn't love

Love, of songs and pen
oh love of movie endings
takes out the break
leaves out the bend
and misses love

Love not of you
love not of me
come hold us up
come set us free
not as we know it
but as it can be

Love's reality
is not a passing bravery
it holds out hope beyond what's seen
the hope of love

Love not of you
love not of me
come hold us up
come set us free
not as we know it
but as it can be.

"Love" by Sara Groves

The Adventures of...

Ok I realize this picture is kind of creepy... ok really creepy. But it's perfect for this post!

So Ben's been in physician assistant school for 2 weeks now. I've attempted to take on the Super Wife role (hence the picture). This includes working full-time, doing all the cooking, the shopping, the finances, (most of)the cleaning up, all the laundry, plus the administrative household duties such as keeping up with our health stuff/car maintenance/insurance (you could say I'm slightly OCD, I prefer the term ultra-organized :).

I realize that many of you already do all of these things (plus raise 3+ kids), and it's not that big of a deal to you. Humor me.

In the past, Ben and I would usually cook together and split the other duties up (I have been blessed). However, since he now has to spend all of his time studying, I (voluntarily) took on the other tasks.

So far, it's gone better than I thought. I'm used to having more free time, but that's the way life goes. I've enjoyed making meals much more than I thought I would. I used to not really enjoy cooking meals. Honestly, I think baking is more up my alley. I like being able to pop something in the oven, clean up while it's cooking, and know exactly when it's going to be done. Less hectic. That's the Type A personality coming out.

Back to what I was saying... it has been going pretty well so far. I can't guarantee I will feel that way in, say, two months from today. But I hope I will. I figure it's not much to support someone for 2 years when they will be supporting you and your family for their entire lives, right? Then again, I'm a selfish person and don't always remember this. Ben even made the comment that he was surprised and happy that I've been so understanding and not demanding of his time. He probably pictured himself struggling between his studies and a needy wife. I bet he was pleasantly surprised to see how independent I can be. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks. But I say the outlook is good.

And Ben has been loyaly committed to those pesky things I despise- killing bugs, taking out the trash, calling HP when my printer stops working and I'm about to have a breakdown if I have to punch through another automated phone system and talk to the HP lady for an hour.

I'll let you know how the future goes... hopefully I won't end up like Amy Adams from Julie & Julia, collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing with a botched dinner job... he he. If I do I'll be sure to tell you about it, friends (ok maybe not).

So here's to all you REAL superwives out there- who do so much for your families every day! I admire you and aspire to be like you :p

Now what I really need are some new recipe ideas...

Trees

Today is a special day that marks Ben's and my first year of marriage. I guess that makes us non-newlyweds. As we have been filling in for houseparents at the home, our day off this week just happened to fall on this glorious Monday, September 14, our anniversary... a little gift from God.

With no real knowledge of anything new and special to do in a city we have just now become familiar with, with little to get or make for each other in the way of 'surprises', since our weekly day off is always spent in the presence of each other and as I, Lisa, should not meander alone, and without the usual access to unlimited resources and supplies we are accustomed to, I wondered what the day would bring.

We ended up at a little restaurant we have frequented before, with checkered red table cloths and park-style benches, sharing a philly cheesesteak sandwich. Then, Ben hands me something simple - a card he made. Just a blank sheet of white paper, folded, with a small drawing of a tree. Along the border is the verse that we decided over one year ago to center our marriage on. With more wisdom than I could appreciate at the time, Clay had asked us to ground our marriage in a verse. I had been drawn to one in Jeremiah about a tree, not particularly moving or lovely. Today those verses were filled with deep meaning. I think I began to understand why we had chosen them.

And in that simple moment, I became overwhelmed by it all. Our lives, the past year. How just one year ago we were saying our vows in Athens, with plans that seemed so certain. The sudden change that was catapulted through a difficult event, and the whirlwind God took us on, changing our hearts and leading us into the unknown. How we had just enough money from our wedding gifts to purchase, not furniture for my future home like I had always envisioned, but tickets to fly halfway around the world. How we left all of our once-precious things behind for people we had never met, all the things we gave up to come here, some things we never told anyone about... and the incredible embarassment I feel when comparing these things, that feel like huge sacrifices in my own eyes, with the sacrifice Jesus made for us. How this past year has kept us clinging to the truth that God is good, and that he is the best and only leader of our lives. How we've battled through loneliness and confusion, realizing that perhaps God's desire has been to teach us things other than what we anticipated. How he has been faithful to us here... How good his plans for us truly are.

I thank God for Ben, for the man he is. If you are drawn to people mostly for surface things like extrovertedness, social ease, or humor, you may overlook a quiet, unassuming person like Ben, often reserved and rarely the center of attention. Yet, it is character that is the true test of a man, of what is deep in his heart when the other things fade away. If you take the time to truly get to know this wonderful person, as I and many of you have, you will be blessed to know someone with uncompromised integrity, someone who walks uprightedly before God in love, steadiness, loyalty, and purity. Someone who chooses good over evil, love over judgment, humility over pridefulness...even moreso in the quiet of his own room than in the presence of a crowd...who makes such choices regardless of whether anyone will come to know about those choices. A man of true character that I am blessed to share life with. I know many of you are equally blessed to know him as a son, a brother, or a friend.

So thank you, God, for the first year of many. Our future is in your hands.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
For he will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when the heat comes,
it's leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17

We're Married!

I'm still trying to get the hang of this whole post thing so bear with me. This will be my first post! I am not nearly as eloquent of a speaker as Ben, so please promise you won't compare me.

We were married Sept 14 and had a wonderful wedding. It really opened our eyes to the incredible support network we have and how blessed we are with everything God has given us and the whole process of him bringing us together as friends, and eventually, spouses. Our honeymoon in St Lucia was one of the best weeks I have personally ever had! Since then, becoming adjusted to married life has been surprisingly 'normal'. It seems as if the hardest part was BEFORE the wedding, moving in Ben's stuff and scaling back my own and all the little nuances that accompany such a big change. Overall, it has been a fairly smooth ride with a few bumps along the way. Can't complain!


Currently, I am just finishing my internship and school (including all my test for certification), and Ben is working with his patients through the home health care company until May arrives.

Lastly, we have found the most encouraging, incredible spiritual home in the Well in Loganville. For those of you who don't know or have never been to this place, it is truly a 'gem'! The community we've found is amazing and the people there inspire us through every conversation... well worth the 'bit of a drive it is to get there! And no better way to spend Saturday nights... we look forward to it every week! What an answered prayer! That's all for now!

Here are a few wedding pics

And some St Lucian beauty!

Flying

I learned how to fly late last night - without wings, fuel, propeller, jetpack, or any other devices or gadgetry normally used for such a mode of travel. By simply moving my arms, as if I were treading water, my body began defying gravity. While seeking to impress all my immediate family with my newfound talent, I woke up mid-dream, lying next to Lisa. Fortunately, she seemed to have suffered no slap to the head or wayward kick to the body. Or if she did, my favorite deep sleeper was not conscious of it. Normally, I would have groaned and complained about waking up before my alarm clock sounded, but I was excited to welcome the day after enjoying such a glorious nocturnal experience.

Upon further ruminations of the dream, I find it somewhat symbolic of my recent union with Lisa. Becoming one with someone is rather like learning to fly. The act alone can be intimidating and fear-inducing. One finally gets the nerve to go for it and experiences an adrenaline rush like no other. The high can be sustained as long as one remains in the air or even after, meaning possibly to infinity. The intensity, enjoyment, and duration is a personal choice you and your partner both determine.

Each flight, just like each union, is wholly unique. Some people crash and burn, others move lazily in circles, still others strain to reach the heavenly bodies. All touch down again, at least once. I picture Lisa and I following the model of those who land, only to jump off the cliff again in absolute abandonment, over and over again, regardless of age or circumstances. Those couples are true frequent flyers.

Simply getting off the ground has been such an adventure, I smile wondering where the flight will take us and how we will get there, in what ways the myriad experiences will shape Lisa and me, and how much fun we will have.