Lessons for my daughter (and myself)

Some important life lessons and wisdom that I have accumulated through the years.....

There will always be someting troubling happening in life. Learn to be content and to trust God rather than wishing away the current storm. There will almost always be a trial in your life at any given time. Expect them; don't feel disappointed or let down when they come. Be ready. Prepared.

People are often cruel for the same reasons: someone is cruel to them, no one taught them and they don't know any better. Repay them with kindness. They need it more than you do.

People are often not what they seem on the outside. Never assume.

Never make a joke at someone else's expense. It's cheap and easy humor. Stay away from sarcasm for the same reasons.

Do not believe things simply because they have been widely accepted. Seek the truth for yourself, particularly when it comes to God.

Being kind to others will take you much farther in life than two legs ever could.

God will always reveal himself to those who honestly seek him.

Everyone has a story and everyone is hurting in there own way. No person is evil. Satan is evil and he lurks everywhere. He uses hurt and brokenness to bring about evil. Try to see the broken people behind evil actions.

People are not 'bad' or 'good,' nor are children 'bad' or 'good.' People do bad things, and people do good things. They have the choice to change from one pattern to the next at any time.

In the same breath, be careful about labels. You never know the impact you may have on someone's future and destiny by putting a label on them.

Lack of loving (or liking) someone is often from a lack of truly knowing them. Invest in knowing them more deeply, and you will find that as you understand them, you just may become endeared to them.

People do not want pity when they are suffering. They don't want cliché responses that make you feel better. They want you to be there, to express your sorrow, and to stand by them through the pain, even though it's not fun.

In the same breath, you will always be ok.

Courage is not about being unafraid, it's about choosing to do what's right despite your fear.

Never be a part of someone picking on someone else. Standing by and watching it happen is just as bad.

Never become so comfortable that you fail to see the things in you that need to change; yet don't live your life trying to attain some sort of selfish perfection.

Always be on the lookout for ways you can be kind to someone.

Look for people that are alone and looked over by others. Make a conscious effort to reach out to them as Jesus would.

Work hard at everything you do and give your best effort, not just the things that others tell you are "worthwhile."

Don't love money. It will not bring you happiness. Remember you cannot serve two Gods. Have an open hand with all material things, and remember that it all comes from God and ultimately belongs to him.

Don't live your life wishing for the future and in the process miss out on the beautiful in the now.

Evolution of the princess

You know how they say that everyone is a parenting expert until they have kids? Well, I always used to say that my kids would not become princess fanatics nor would they ever have Barbie dolls. Well, as you can see below, both of those things have failed to happen:

I'm not sure how this collection happened. It started with two Christmas gifts from a relative- their first 'Barbies' (though at least these aren't Shop n Drop ones or anything), another for birthday, and so on and so forth, until somehow we collected almost every princess out there. And you know what? Anna LOVES them. When she was littler, I tried to steer her away from princess stuff. We didn't buy any, we didn't watch any movies or TV about princesses, so I thought she would be immune. But every time we went somewhere with a princess picture, she was immediately drawn to it. Despite my own desires, she became a lover of princesses. I tried to fight it for a while, but I realized that I can't dictate what my children find joy in and what speaks to them. So, I decided that I just had to go with it. So somehow we ended up with princess dolls and dresses. We've watched Cinderella, Tangled (our favorite), Frozen, Sleeping Beauty (one of my favorite classics), The Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. That doesn't mean we will be buying any true 'Barbies' in the future other than these classic princesses (I have to draw the line somewhere, right?).

Though I knew it wasn't possible to change the draw to the princess, and it wouldn't be right to 'deprive' (ha sounds so dumb) her of that aspect of play, I decided that what I could do was help her develop a healthy view of herself and build character; this can be done through almost anything, including princesses, I decided. I take every opportunity I can to point out the character qualities of the princesses- their hearts, when they are hard-working, serving, loving, strong, brave, and show perseverance, forgiveness, and self-sacrifice. There are some fine qualities about some of those girls. To me, Cinderella shows the epitome of sacrificial love and humility, rising above pain and maintaining a soft heart. Rapunzel is one of the sweetest, most loving, courageous heroines (I have a secret crush on her), and Aurora's gentle and grateful spirit, even while living as a peasant girl, drew others to her. It's harder for me to find the admirable qualities in, say, Jasmine, but I try, or at least focus more on the other princesses, ha.

When Anna talks about how 'beautiful' they are, I ask her what truly makes someone beautiful (their heart, their kindness, how they treat people, etc.) We talk about this a lot. Loving others, treating them with respect, finding ways to help people in need, showing affection, and recognizing when something can be done for someone else as a gesture of kindness. We talk about how the outward appearance is one thing, but God looks at the heart, and no matter how beautiful one is on the outside, it can never make up for an 'ugly' inside. We talk about loving people who are mean and unkind, because they are usually the ones who are hurting most and in need of love and acceptance.

I hope that my daughters can balance their love for beauty, princesses, and sparkly things with the way that God adorns our heart when we follow and obey him. I hope that somehow I can use the paths they tend toward, be it princesses or ninjas (somehow I doubt that will ever be the case), to see themselves in light of Christ, to see the beauty and image of God that is evident in all people.

I can't dictate what my kids love or who they are, but I can steer them in the right direction, guide their hearts, and build their character. That's my job as a mother, and I take it more seriously than any other responsibility I've ever had.

Nurture Shock

I just came across this summary I wrote of a book I read several years ago, called "Nurture Shock." The authors took some of the most common child-rearing beliefs and practices and evaluated them using research, and came to some counter-intuitive conclusions. I thought the book was so interesting, and when I read back at what I wrote, it was just as surprising as when I first read it. I love reading things like this because I love the art of research and child psychology (I work at a child psychology practice). Anyway, if you are interested, I summarized the nine main points in the book (one for each chapter). Because Blogger stinks, they all have a 1 in from of them.

1. “Esteem-building praise” often backfires. Constantly telling kids they’re smart can actually undermine their confidence and lead to under-performing. Kids who are praised for their smarts or innate abilities view their failures as a result of being “not-smart” and thus avoid difficult tasks. When kids are praised for their effort, they view failure as a result of not focusing hard enough and try harder next time. “When they get to college, heavily praised students commonly dropped out of classes rather than risk a mediocre grade and they have a hard time picking a major ; they’re afraid to commit to something because they’re afraid of not succeeding.” One really cool study discussed compared Chinese vs. American mothers’ responses when told (falsely) that their child under-performed on a task. American mothers avoided making negative comments and stayed positive, mentioning the test briefly and then focusing on something else. Chinese children were more likely to hear “You didn’t concentrate” or “Let’s look it over.” The Chinese childrens’ scores jumped 33% on the next task, 2x that of the American children. The Chinese mothers smiled and hugged their kids as much as the American mothers did.

1. Lack of sleep in kids and teens is more likely related to rising obesity rates and learning difficulties in kids and teens than is TV, lack of activity, or internet/video gaming. 90% of parents think their kids get enough sleep when 5% of teens actually do. The authors label it “the lost hour.” The fragility of children’s developing brain is way more sensitive to sleep deprivation than an adult’s, and a lack of 1 hour of sleep a night for a week can result in the equivalent of losing 2 years of intelligence in performing (a sixth grader performing like a fourth grader in school). It is highly related to many of the traits that plague teens: depression, moodiness, impulsiveness, and disengagement. Part of this is that schools start too early. Ten hours of sleep is ideal for children and teens, with a minimum of 8 hours for teens.

1. Racism isn’t necessarily “taught.” We actually promote racism by not talking about it. Kids naturally categorize and develop racial constructs at an early age. They are developmentally prone to in-group favoritism. When parents fail to talk about race because they don’t want to say the wrong thing, or they want their children to “see everyone as equal”, it backfires because it is not possible to create a color-blind environment in kids’ minds… they end up developing their own “my group is better” attitude. Really fascinating is the research that shows how the strategy of exposing your children to diverse environments doesn’t result in more integrated friendships or attitudes. The more diverse the school, the more kids tend to self-segregate and their likelihood of cross cultural friendships actually go down. What impacts kids views on race is whether their parents talk about it at an early age. Children’s minds are forming their first racial conclusions early, so talking about it when their attitudes are most amenable to change has the most impact. First graders were found to be impacted by cross-racial playgroups and discussion but third graders were not, implying that the early age is the most influential when it comes to racial constructs.

1. The truth bias- Kids lie way more often than parents think, and they are better liars than they think. Parents often fail to address early lying (ages 3-4), and the strategy of focusing on how bad lying is doesn’t have much of an impact on future lying. Alternately, emphasizing the worth of telling the truth has the biggest impact on decreasing children’s lying. In one study, lying on a task significantly decreased when read “George Washington and the Cherry Tree” over “The Boy who Cried Wolf” because the character received praise and worth for telling the truth, rather than punishment for lying (they used a control of replacing George Washington’s name with a neutral one so it wouldn’t impact the final outcome).

1. Sibling relationships- the single most impact on improving siblings relationship was teaching kids conflict prevention rather than conflict resolution. Teaching them how to enjoy playing with each other (how to find common activities, how to read when what other siblings is feeling and when he or she doesn’t want to play, etc) had the biggest impact on early and future siblings relationships. Despite books and TV programs that portray sibling squabbles with “happy endings”, kids were more likely to start conflict with their siblings after such media. Why? Simply by hearing the types of verbal insults used in the books and TV programs.

1. TV and aggression: Any type of child-programming TV is related to an increase in aggression and bullying; the type of programming, whether it violent or PBS, is irrelevant. Power Rangers is actually less likely to impact verbal aggression/bullying than are non-violent child-targeted shows like Arthur. Why? Children aren’t like adults- they don’t simply get the “take home message” of a show. Instead they absorb all that occurs, and they are more likely to learn and use verbal insults and bullying tactics displayed in non-violent programs (“you’re not my friend anymore”). Ninety-six percent of children’s programming contains verbal insults. “When we changed the channel from violent TV to non-violent fare, kids ended up learning the advanced skills of clique formation, friendship withdrawal, and the art of insult.

1. Parents who pause mid-argument to “take the conflict upstairs” can actually make the situation worse. Pro-social behavior in kids increases when exposed to parental constructive conflict when they can witness the final resolution.
   

1. Children who watched Baby language DVDS (Baby Signing, Baby can read, etc) on a semi regular basis had significantly poorer vocabularies in future years than babies who did not. The single most way to encourage language development is not even talking continuously to your baby. It is responding promptly to any and all babble sounds that your child makes.

 

The Kingdom

People who set out to follow Jesus often refer to The Kingdom. I've always thought of the future Kingdom as the way things will be when Jesus comes back to reign over mankind. All things will healed and as God intended them to be; no pain, no suffering, no sin. Only God on his throne reigning above his perfect creation who has been made whole. Christians talk a lot about the Kingdom... our desire for the Kingdom to come and advancing the Kingdom as an essential role of who we are.



I've always believed that we advance the Kingdom through tangible actions: sharing the gospel, providing for the poor, facilitating physical, emotional, and spiritual healing, and other acts of service and evangelism. Before he left this earth, Jesus said to go and make disciples of all nations.



Advancing the kingdom is important to me as a believer. It's what I was created for. Life makes sense when you devote your time to what you were created to do. I'm reminded of the many facets of interning at Wesley when I spent an entire year serving the students at University of Georgia, missions to Guatemala, inner-city LA, and Peru, and serving at the children's home in India. Before I had young children tangible acts of furthering the Kingdom were a regular part of my life. But now that I have two little ones who require my constant time, energy, and attention that has all changed. I don't have time to serve at the church in a meaningful way right now. I don't participate in missions and I don't purposefully set out to serve the needy, though I try to make the most of any opportunity that comes my way. That's the honest truth. Some say that there is always time to make more commitments to serve, to take part in different things... but for me, I am already stretched thin and easily overwhelmed when life is too busy. I'm a big-time introvert and by nature a Mary (one who values time and intimacy with God) rather than a Martha (one who prefers to be busy doing things for God). I'm not willing to put myself in the position where I am run completely ragged out of a sense of obligation. Yet, I find myself frustrated and empty because advancing the Kingdom is such an important part of who I am. How can I resolve in my heart not advancing the Kingdom in a purposeful, intentional way? Some say that you are advancing the Kingdom by taking care of your children and serving your family... but that has never fully resonated with me. It has never been enough to satisfy my soul's desire.


Lately, I've felt the burden to re-think my understanding of what it means to advance the Kingdom. I've started to wonder if advancing the Kingdom is more than giving, serving, speaking and sharing. Yes those things facilitate the Kingdom coming in a physical way- by the gospel being demonstrated in word and action- but what if there is more to it? What if advancing the Kingdom happens in an unseen way each time we choose God ... each time we honor him in our lives- not just in physical actions but in our thoughts, wills, and emotions? What if choosing good over evil, no matter the form it takes, actually advanced the Kingdom? Maybe every time we resist evil and cling to good the Enemy is defeated in some small way.... and the Kingdom advances.


Maybe I can advance the Kingdom a hundred times in one boring day at home.


I'm certainly no biblical scholar. I have no desire to be. I'm always wary of those who purport to have t.h.e.'biblical perspective'. A good deal of scripture is a mystery and only God holds the complete key. He reveals himself and truth to us as we seek him, but I truly believe that we should approach things humbly and with fear (the good kind). One day we will stand before God and be held accountable for the things we taught in his name; not something to take lightly. So I can't say I hold the answers, but I also don't believe anyone holds the answers. The Kingdom is a mystery. What God is teaching me is to be content in believing that right now, in my crazy life with two small children, the Kingdom is being advanced. Not just through the teaching, discipline, and serving of my children and family but through each instance that the Enemy is driven back and God is put in his proper place as Lord over my life. This is the season God has me in. I know there will be future seasons of serving in a more intentional, visible way, but for now, I will rest in the unseen victories.



Jesus said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the ground. Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up, the seed sprouts and grows, though he does not know how. All by itself the soil produces grain—first the stalk, then the head, then the full kernel in the head. As soon as the grain is ripe, he puts the sickle to it, because the harvest has come.”j
Mark 4:26-29

Tea Time

I haven't posted in forever. I've been mulling over a few things that I will hopefully write about at some point. Until then, why not share a rare, crafty moment.  Let me preface this by saying that I do NOT do this kind of thing on a regular basis. It is pretty out of character for me. In our household, Anna usually fends for herself in terms of entertainment ideas. I'm working on that. However, I got the crafting itch today.

Ben's aunt came over on Monday and gave Anna a few gifts. She also gave me a big floppy hat, stating that it was for tea parties. That got me thinking how Anna would most likely be all about tea parties. So I hunted online and ordered a simple little tea set (also uncommon for me. Ordering a new toy? Gasp! Good thing it was less than $20 yet still quality. Thanks, Melissa and Doug). I went with something unbreakable for obvious reasons.

I loved the tea set but wished it came with a few more things like plates for food, napkins, and a tablecloth. Then I had the epiphany that she already had plates from her kitchen and wooden cookies she received as a birthday gift (duh Lisa). All that was left were the linens. I decided it would be super easy to make my own. So while Anna was busy playing tea, I hunted up some old receiving blankets (while I'm always getting rid of as much as possible, I do save things that I suspect could have future crafty use left in them). I decided which blanket I wanted to use as the tablecloth- I liked the one with the pink edge- and which patterns complimented it. Then I pulled out my pinking shears. 

Pinking shears are great for fabric if you don't feel like sewing. They protect the edges from unraveling much better than scissors. They won't last forever like hemmed fabric, but they get the job done. I cut four squares for napkins. 

Then I used another patterned blanket, some ribbon, and super glue to make two-sided tea bags. 

Kimmie was more interested in the fabric than playing tea party.

 

It was all done before Anna had even finished playing, so super easy. Happy tea time!

Two-and-a-quarter. Six months. Pictures, and the sweet spot.

It seems I've finally reached the sweet spot as a mother of two. These girls are so much fun, and I am absolutely loving this season. Babies are adorable and cuddly and cute, but to be perfectly honest, the first six months are not my favorite. Now that Kimberly has passed the six month mark life has been easier, more enjoyable for everyone, and full of great memories. People always talk about how terrible the twos are, but I love them! They are so much fun as everything is new and exciting and language is developing. Thankfully Anna only had a period of a handful of tantrums, and she now (for the most part) seems to have moved past that stage; she is learning how to deal with her emotions and use language to communicate her needs. 

Yes, there are tedious days, a lot of tiredness keeping up with the two of them, and times where it seems all I do is feed and clothe and wash kids. But I know that someday Anna will not need me to comb her hair, put on her clothes, or strap her into the carseat. Someday dancing around the room with Mommy will not be the coolest thing in the world. Someday she will not want to be attached to my heels. Someday a favorite nursery rhyme will not fill her with utter excitement. So I really delight in this time. I try to be fully present and let it all soak into my memory: the sweet feel of Kimberly's skin against mine when she falls asleep in my arms; the giggles from Anna when I tickle her; the way she pops up out of bed when I get her up; the excited shouts of "Mommy!" when I return home from even a short errand.

My mantra has always been that I don’t want to look back and wish I had experienced and appreciated the special moments more. This was important to me way before kids: during my college days dancing for the Georgia Bulldogs, my internship at Wesley, performing ballroom at UGA, mission trips, and India. I knew all of these wonderful, special times only happened once, and I can honestly say that I don’t look back and think “I wish I had known how great those times were. I wish I had appreciated and enjoyed them more." Instead I look back and say, “I’m so glad I realized that those were special times, that I enjoyed them to the fullest, and that I tried to soak in the memories as much as I could.” For this reason I am not a big picture taker because it tends to distract my attention away from being in the moment. However, I know I will want these adorable ages captured so I make myself take them!!

Our yearly trip to the Riverbanks Zoo has become a Father's Day tradition:

I fell asleep on the couch for about ten minutes and woke up to find this:

My parents were able to come visit, something I never thought would happen again. It was tough on my mom who had to stop and get chemo on the way back, but the time was encouraging for them both and special for all of us. She had been working on restoring my old dollhouse and dollhouse pieces that I built with my grandfather to give to Anna when she was older. She decided to go ahead and bring it now. 

Here's my Grandfather and I with the dollhouse back in the day:

Putting Anna down for the occasional nap in our bed:

I lied about not owning anything monogrammed. My friend recently gave me these bloomers. I have to admit, they are super cute!

I think it's pretty funny how Kimberly is rivaling Anna in size. These pictures highlight how tall and thin Anna is, and how round Kimberly is. It's hard to believe they are almost two years apart in age.

My mom's neighbor sent these dresses for the girls. I typically rely on hand-me-downs for clothing so the girls have never had matching outfits.

*Sigh. Someday...

Four Years

Four years ago Ben and I left for India. Newly married and having just suffered a miscarriage, we felt God pulling us to a strange land that neither one of us had ever felt particularly drawn to. The logistics worked out perfectly and before we knew it we had left everything behind: our possessions, family, and security. Ben gave up his position at PA school and, upon leaving, we had no back up plan for what was next. We had nothing except each other and a few thousand dollars we had saved. We didn't do a bunch of fundraising, soliciting, or planning. We simply packed up and left. It seemed too simple yet simple made sense to us. We yearned to get away from it all and live with one focus: on the Lord Jesus and spreading his message. We trusted that God would provide for our needs if we sought to honor him. We lived at a children's home and spent a little time travelling to various remote villages to share the Good News. There were some really good times and some really bad times. We became deeply wounded through a relationship and when it was time to return home, we were broken and beaten down.


The next step was unknown to us. As we returned home, our home church at the time was looking for a couple to live on site at their base in the Amazon jungle of Peru. Ben had been on one trip there, serving as a translator for the leaders, as well as other similar trips when he was younger. The Amazon jungle and jungle towns had always been a place of 'home' to Ben, as silly as that sounds. Ever since I met him, his eyes would get starry when he talked about his past trips there. The feeling of home. That in some strange way a part of him belonged there. That part of him came alive when he was with those people. If I had to guess at which country we would've end up in I would have guessed Peru, not India. It made a lot more sense.


So when these people we dearly loved and respected extended the offer to us to be their on-staff missionaries, living with the indigenous people and being financially supported by our church family, it sounded like it was meant to be. In theory. However, when we met to talk about it and were patient and listened, we did not feel a calling to go there. We felt the opposite. I can't say I was too disappointed, because the idea of living without electricity and a boat ride from civilization was a lot for me to take in (although I'd had my fair share of 'roughing it' experiences in foreign countries, this was to the extreme). But I had already submitted my fears to God and was not about to let that be an obstacle. It didn't matter anyway, as it became clear to us that the work to be done in the Amazon was not going to be done by us.


Every part of us expected to stay abroad and to not come back. To get out of the rat race forever. The idea of staying here was almost as scary to us as leaving. But somehow we ended up back here, and the door to PA school once again opened, easier than it had the first time. As we've tried to wait patiently on God's voice for each major decision, somehow we've ended up in a home. With a regular job. With two kids. A lot like the typical American family, actually. We used to be so afraid that we would end up living a life imploded upon our little family with ourselves at the center (which I pray that it never is). At times I feel confused about where we are, which isn't necessarily a bad thing!


God really does work in mysterious ways. I don't know exactly what I've learned from this little journey of ours. I think one big thing I have learned is that other peoples' perceptions of your life matter very little in the grand scheme of things. That's one of the major themes God has taught me through all of this, and continues to teach me. You can live your whole life a slave to what people think about you- in a materialistic, worldy sense but sometimes even moreso in a spiritual, "Godly" sense. It goes both ways. And it goes for big things as well as little things. I know women who are insecure about their messy homes, and I know a woman who is insecure about her clean home because people imply it's a sign that children, or God himself, must be neglected. It goes for so many things. Disciplining your children too much, not enough, or not the "Godly way", having lots vs. few children, the type of schooling you choose, the type of food you feed your family, the amount of the body that one's clothing covers, the type of church you go to, even your type of worship style. The thing is... you cannot judge someone based on what you see. Only God has the authority to judge because only he knows the depths of our hearts. His is the only judgment that matters... Romans 14 and 1Corinthians4 have been my teacher lately. I digress. I don't even know what I'm writing about... what was the topic of this, the future? Yes, the future based on the last four crazy years. Lessons learned.


The only sure thing I know about our family's future is that I don't know what it holds. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know where God will take us. But I hope that we will always, always be ready. For anything. Jesus told us to be expectant. To be ready. To be awake, not asleep. To not become too comfortable here. That this land is not our own. That our time here is limited. To be ready to fight the good fight and to love whether that be here amidst a broken, suffering world or in another country amidst a broken, suffering world, until the Story is finished. That's what I keep my eyes on: the end of the story. That's what really matters.

The desire of my heart: Complete

It's one of those nights where I literally feel dragged to the computer by the tugging of my heart. It never fails. Right when I think I have nothing of substance to say, that God must be doing nothing important in my life and that I am wasting it away with decorating a room or a birthday or something frivolous, the Holy Spirit presses down on my heart and compels me to write. To show me that he is doing something. That he is authoring the story of my life, as I speak, as I write.


If you were to ask Ben and I when we were first married, "How many kids do you want?" we would have said, without hesitation, "at least four." That was what we believed and what was in our hearts, that God had called us, and many Christians, to have more children than the average American household. There are many beliefs we held about why this was true:  Children are a gift from God. It is an American myth that you have to be financially secure and in a position to provide everything for your children. Really spiritual Christians who have their priorities in order have more children.  Having lots of children is God's higher calling for one's life. So many people cannot have children at all, it's a travesty to not have as many as God can give you. And most glaring of all: Having a large family is the better, and more noble, route. Some of these beliefs are true. Many of them are not true. Others are sometimes true. Apart from them and, more importantly, we both felt that our heart's desire was to have a full household: The pitter patter of feet down the stairs on Christmas morning. The full breakfast table. The household commotion. The family youth group.

It's amazing how the desires of one's heart can change right under your nose. Recently I've had this itch to get rid of our baby stuff. Once Kimberly outgrows some baby gear item I have the impulse to give it or sell it. I first dismissed this as simply a product of my "less is more" mindset. But as I've mulled it over and talked with Ben, we started to realize that we are both experiencing a change of heart. A changing and a maturing of sorts, and it has been happening at the exact same time. Several months ago if one of us had asked the other if we thought we would have a third child, both of us would have said "Yes, but not anytime soon". However, recently we discovered that we both are sensing in our heart that our family is complete, and experiencing an inner peace that how things are now is how they are supposed to be. That this might be what God has for our family. Our family of four. That doesn't mean God won't change our hearts in the future, and certainly we are open to wherever he brings us, but as of now the deepest part of us is saying this is it. God has dealt bountifully with you.


It's only recently that I've come to believe this desire is from God. When I first began to suspect my heart was changing in this area my critical self drew a few initial conclusions: You feel this way because you are tired. You feel this way because you are selfish and you don't want to put in the hard work of having more kids. You feel this way because you are materialistic. Your priorities must be out of order. This is probably not what God would truly want from you. You are giving up because you've had some trials. You are taking the easy road. You are copping out.


The Enemy always wants to silence us with doubts and fears. He is ruthless and will stop at no means to facilitate our own self-destruction. But it is just that, self-destruction. We cannot self-destruct unless we allow ourselves to.  We hold the power. We hold the ground. We either belong to God or we don't. One thing that helped me move past these doubts was seeing how God was also pressing this on Ben's heart. When he has joined together a husband and wife their spirits are one. It was confirmation to discover that the desires of our hearts were both changing.


On my heart is that our family is complete. That he has gifted us with two wonderful girls and he desires us to invest deeply in them in ways we could not if we as parents were spread more thinly. I believe he wants to do some great things through Anna. She is a special child; she also has special needs that require more attention and energy. I believe if she is watered well she will blossom and bear incredible fruit, and that one of my greatest callings is to invest in her growth as much and as deeply as possible. Kimberly is so young still that I do not yet have a grasp on her, but I will with time. And perhaps at some point in the future, God will call us to new things in different seasons,  like foster parenting, something that's been on my heart a lot lately. I want to be on guard against holding our little family too tightly in my hands... not creating our own little world where our family is at the center. I want to expand and step outside of ourselves to bring in whoever God calls us to. It's too easy to miss these opportunities when you aren't actively expecting them or looking for them to come your way.


I still love large families. I still think God is honored by bringing children into this world in the face of adversity and scarcity. I still believe that he provides for all his children and rejoices over each one that enters this world, and I still think there are many ungodly reasons why couples choose to have few, no, or delayed children. But I no longer view smaller families as less of a calling. I no longer view being a mother of four as being more noble than a mother of two. I no longer put the large family on a pedestal. I have matured in my Christian walk enough to know that God deals with each person differently and only he can judge our decisions and the motivations of our heart.


The wonderful thing about God is that he does change the desires of our heart. We are always afraid that he will call us to something that we dread, something that makes our souls cringe. But the opposite is true; so much more often he molds our will and our hearts perfectly to yearn for the things he has for us in this life, if we allow him to. I am thankful that he has given us peace about where our family is right now. Sure, things could change in the future. They always can.

But for now, I'm not saving that baby gear.

"Newborn" (or not) pictures

I've never gotten around to having real newborn pictures taken. The girls' pictures have both been taken around three months of age. I kind of like it that way, though. A lot of newborns look the same to me. There's something I like about seeing more of the baby's expressiveness and personality, which really starts to blossom around 3-4 months.

A friend of a friend took these shots. They ended up being family pictures- I think there were more taken of Anna than of Kimberly even :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thoughts on the Best Nutrition

It's late and I'm sleep deprived, so please forgive my poor grammar and run-on sentences.

I've been re-visiting my experience with nursing Anna now that I have little Kimberly, and remembering some of the feelings and thoughts I have regarding that first four months.

You hear it many times before you give birth, at the hospital, and once you leave for home with your precious newborn. Breastmilk is the best form of nutrition. Only feed your baby breastmilk until they are six months of age. I totally get this. I agree with it. I'm supportive of the recent push for breastfeeding in our society. It's a good thing. But my experience with my first born has let me to believe that at times the pressure can be a little excessive.  While it's true that breastfeeding is the best way to feed your baby, I also think mothers shouldn't be shamed or treated like quitters for needing to go an alternate route. I wrote a little bit about my story in the past but here is a refresher:

Anna was miserable for the first three months of her life. She screamed for about 75% of the time she was awake, and the time she was asleep she writhed around in pain, waking up every hour or so. We considered all sorts of possibilities for her pain. I knew something was not right. But mostly people told us that it was normal baby gas pains, colic, etc. and that eventually it would go away. It was some of the hardest three months of my life. Nursing was a nightmare. Anna hated to nurse, and she pulled away and screamed consistently. I was trapped at home trying to feed her all day because she wouldn't eat. I kept at it, mostly because I felt like it was the only option and that switching to bottle-feeding was the cardinal sin. I tried all sorts of diets, remedies, etc. At one point I was only eating five foods. Five foods. I thought perhaps she could be allergic to dairy but everything I was told or read said that mothers are over sensitive about this and "it's most likely not an issue" was the common word on the street. I was usually encouraged to try and improve my nursing technique. "There is never a reason to need to stop breastfeeding" was the regular motto. So I did. I did everything advised to me. I talked with numerous people recommended to me. I tried a bazillion different techniques and tips. I contacted La Leche League. I had the lactation consultant on speed dial. Nothing helped. I was really stressed and baby girl was so unhappy.

I finally threw insecurity, advice, and society's expectations to the wind and switched Anna to soy formula at 3.5 months. Life became like a dream compared to what it had been. She was happy, healthier (sans a little constipation), and so were we. I only wish I'd done it sooner.


When we finally took Anna to the pediatric allergist months later it was discovered: She had milk protein allergy. She showed the highest sensitivity possible on the test. The allergist explained to me that milk protein remains in a mother's breast milk and is passed to the baby. It's not the same as having a baby who is 'sensitive' to dairy and gets a little fussy, but who can handle when the mother has a piece of cheese. Babies with milk protein allergy can't tolerate any bit of dairy in the mother's diet. And God knows I love dairy. So finally we knew- this is why Anna was so unhappy and in so much pain for the first three months of her life. It all made a lot of sense: her constant screaming, the mucousy bowel movements, her refusal to nurse and lack of weight gain. I wanted to cry for my little girl and her pain that I couldn't take away.

Why didn't I switch her to formula earlier? Why did I continue to breastfeed my daughter when she was so miserable? With the new baby here and another 'go' at nursing, I've done some soul searching about the issue and this is what I came up with:

Lack of knowledge- I didn't know she could have milk protein allergy and that it could bother her so much. Everything I was told is that most women who think their child has a problem with dairy are probably incorrect and to not stop breastfeeding.

Pressure (real or imagined)- the pressure from society that formula is from the devil and your child will not be as smart, attached to you, or overall fabulous if you don't breastfeed exclusively (not true).

Feelings of inferiority- I feared what other people would think if I fed my baby formula.
That I was lazy.
That I was a bad mom.
That I was selfish.
That I didn't care about what was best for my child.
All not true. Unfortunately the fear of others thinking I wasn't doing what was best for child actually kept me from doing what was best for her (and for me). Ironic.

So why am I writing about this now? Ben and I decided that with Kimberly, I would stop being ridiculous and do what was best for the family. If breastfeeding was causing everyone to be stressed and unhappy, than we wouldn't put the whole family through misery in the name of nursing. For now, breastfeeding is going okay (though like Anna, the baby has  a hard time with the touchy speed of my milk flow, which vaccilates between being unamanageably fast and painfully slow). I will do all I can to continue and encourage successful nursing. But if something goes majorly wrong, and we feel like the best choice is to stop- I'm listening to my motherly instincts. And I think all women should have the right to do so without being judged.

Rant over.

A Chosen Name

As I've said at some point in the past, Ben and I believe strongly in the power of a name. Throughout history God used the process of naming to tell his story.  Names were prophetic and spoke of what was to come in the next season. God even changed names when a person was transformed or entered into a new season in their identity.  I could go on, but my friend Kristina said it better than I could ever attempt to in her post, What's In a Name?, which I highly recommend.


From the beginning Ben and I wanted to choose names through prayer and  patience, believing that God would speak to us about what he wants to do in our family's journey through each child.  We initially chose a different name for Anna, but God tugged at our hearts to choose a name that meant "grace". While at the time we had no idea what was about to unfold, we knew he was promising to bring grace to our family. That's exactly what he did, and this promise from early on served as a source of comfort during that time. With our second baby, I sensed God drawing me to the name Kimberly, a family name, one wasn't new to us.  God was speaking to me about redemption.


The name Kimberly doesn't actually mean Redemption the way Anna's name translates directly to Grace.  The name signifies to us redemption through family history, after the tragic loss of Ben's sister a month before she was to enter into the world. Her name was Kimberly. While such a loss is always carried in one's heart, I have been truly inspired at the way in which God redeemed that loss, including the blessing he brought to the family with four more beautiful children. We named our sweet girl after this little one in heaven, knowing that in some way in the next season of our lives, God desires to bring us redemption.  I'm not sure what that looks like or what it refers to, but I'm excited to see it unfold. The middle name, Hope, was an easy choice. The promise of redemption brings with it hope.  Hope is one thing Ben and I have never lost while treading this journey of challenges the last few years. I am confident that no matter what comes our way in the future years, we will retain that hope. Hope is a powerful, beautiful thing.


Kimberly Hope, you were chosen by God.
Our family is blessed to be chosen for you.
We love you.

Introducing

 

Meet Kimberly Hope, 6 lbs, 10 oz. Born on December 16, 2012 after 20 hours of labor.

A 100% healthy VBAC for baby and mama. Praise God! And thanks, Dr. Tate!

 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

 

 

Family is resting up and figuring life out with two 'babies'! Baby came early at 38.2 weeks- so much for all those grand Christmas gift plans I had this weekend, ha ha!! More to come on the name, delivery, etc, but for now, that will all have to wait!

 

20 Months

Thanksgiving at the in-laws.

Anna is 20 months old! This has been an exciting month, because she has started to blossom in a lot of ways. She is learning word after word and is able to communicate her wants and needs well. She is showing more of her personality and is so much FUN to be around.

A few of the things that have stood out to me this month are how much she LOVES books. She spends 75% of her play 'reading' books. She also loves to play pretend with her doll. I finally broke down and got her a pretend bottle after a few weeks of her feeding baby crayons :). She's started playing very well on her own, too! She will go into the play area and sit there for up to 45 minutes, looking at books and playing with her doll and bear. Sometimes I peek in to see what she's doing and it's so cute to watch her talking and playing by herself. Love it.

Anna has also GROWN. She gained 0 weight from 12-15 months, and a little bit at 18 months, but lately she has  shot up. For the first time, she is wearing clothes that are almost for her actual age range, rather than 6-9 months younger. She has grown out of a majority of her 12 month clothes and is wearing almost all 18 months!

I love this age and am really enjoying it. It's fun to discover her likes and dislikes and to see her temperament coming out more and more. She continues to be a cautious child- she likes to sit back and observe things rather than jumping right in. When she saw the Christmas tree up for the first time, she didn't go near it for the first 10 minutes, but then she was all about it. She can be the same with people she's unsure of. I know this is how she is wired so I try to respect her and let her do things in her time rather than push her... and in a lot of ways it's a blessing because she seems to be a 'think before I act' toddler. 

It comes out more and more that she is a particular child, as well. I don't use the word stubborn, because she listens well, but she is quite particular. This can be a challenge because I have to learn when and how often to cater to her preferences. Some things I do, some things I don't. I try to find a balance so she learns that I love her but that she can't always have things the way she wants them! The biggest challenge in this area is definitely in the food department.  I don't do multiple meals. I feed her one meal and if she doesn't want it, she doesn't have to eat it. But I rarely make other options. Part of this is because her food takes so long to make and is so expensive that I simply can't lest I lose my mind. So I pray for patience and sanity and know that I can only do the best I can with her allergies and she will have to learn to eat what is available to her. When she sticks her nose up at something allergy-free that that took me hours to make, I remind myself that many children in the world do not have a choice in what they eat, and that being a picky eater is- in a sense- a luxury. That makes me feel better when I am not always able to cater to her preferences.

All in all, I love observing the little person she is becoming. Here are some of our latest pictures:

Wants to get right in the middle of all the action. Here she is with Daddy putting together a bookcase.

Playing in the children's museum library.

We are all decorated for Christmas and enjoying this season. Don't you love the beautiful tree my parents handed down to us? Now we are awaiting the arrival of our new little one. It's hard to believe she could be here any time. Praying for a safe delivery and healthy baby girl. We cannot wait to meet her!