Four Years

Four years ago Ben and I left for India. Newly married and having just suffered a miscarriage, we felt God pulling us to a strange land that neither one of us had ever felt particularly drawn to. The logistics worked out perfectly and before we knew it we had left everything behind: our possessions, family, and security. Ben gave up his position at PA school and, upon leaving, we had no back up plan for what was next. We had nothing except each other and a few thousand dollars we had saved. We didn't do a bunch of fundraising, soliciting, or planning. We simply packed up and left. It seemed too simple yet simple made sense to us. We yearned to get away from it all and live with one focus: on the Lord Jesus and spreading his message. We trusted that God would provide for our needs if we sought to honor him. We lived at a children's home and spent a little time travelling to various remote villages to share the Good News. There were some really good times and some really bad times. We became deeply wounded through a relationship and when it was time to return home, we were broken and beaten down.


The next step was unknown to us. As we returned home, our home church at the time was looking for a couple to live on site at their base in the Amazon jungle of Peru. Ben had been on one trip there, serving as a translator for the leaders, as well as other similar trips when he was younger. The Amazon jungle and jungle towns had always been a place of 'home' to Ben, as silly as that sounds. Ever since I met him, his eyes would get starry when he talked about his past trips there. The feeling of home. That in some strange way a part of him belonged there. That part of him came alive when he was with those people. If I had to guess at which country we would've end up in I would have guessed Peru, not India. It made a lot more sense.


So when these people we dearly loved and respected extended the offer to us to be their on-staff missionaries, living with the indigenous people and being financially supported by our church family, it sounded like it was meant to be. In theory. However, when we met to talk about it and were patient and listened, we did not feel a calling to go there. We felt the opposite. I can't say I was too disappointed, because the idea of living without electricity and a boat ride from civilization was a lot for me to take in (although I'd had my fair share of 'roughing it' experiences in foreign countries, this was to the extreme). But I had already submitted my fears to God and was not about to let that be an obstacle. It didn't matter anyway, as it became clear to us that the work to be done in the Amazon was not going to be done by us.


Every part of us expected to stay abroad and to not come back. To get out of the rat race forever. The idea of staying here was almost as scary to us as leaving. But somehow we ended up back here, and the door to PA school once again opened, easier than it had the first time. As we've tried to wait patiently on God's voice for each major decision, somehow we've ended up in a home. With a regular job. With two kids. A lot like the typical American family, actually. We used to be so afraid that we would end up living a life imploded upon our little family with ourselves at the center (which I pray that it never is). At times I feel confused about where we are, which isn't necessarily a bad thing!


God really does work in mysterious ways. I don't know exactly what I've learned from this little journey of ours. I think one big thing I have learned is that other peoples' perceptions of your life matter very little in the grand scheme of things. That's one of the major themes God has taught me through all of this, and continues to teach me. You can live your whole life a slave to what people think about you- in a materialistic, worldy sense but sometimes even moreso in a spiritual, "Godly" sense. It goes both ways. And it goes for big things as well as little things. I know women who are insecure about their messy homes, and I know a woman who is insecure about her clean home because people imply it's a sign that children, or God himself, must be neglected. It goes for so many things. Disciplining your children too much, not enough, or not the "Godly way", having lots vs. few children, the type of schooling you choose, the type of food you feed your family, the amount of the body that one's clothing covers, the type of church you go to, even your type of worship style. The thing is... you cannot judge someone based on what you see. Only God has the authority to judge because only he knows the depths of our hearts. His is the only judgment that matters... Romans 14 and 1Corinthians4 have been my teacher lately. I digress. I don't even know what I'm writing about... what was the topic of this, the future? Yes, the future based on the last four crazy years. Lessons learned.


The only sure thing I know about our family's future is that I don't know what it holds. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I don't know where God will take us. But I hope that we will always, always be ready. For anything. Jesus told us to be expectant. To be ready. To be awake, not asleep. To not become too comfortable here. That this land is not our own. That our time here is limited. To be ready to fight the good fight and to love whether that be here amidst a broken, suffering world or in another country amidst a broken, suffering world, until the Story is finished. That's what I keep my eyes on: the end of the story. That's what really matters.