The desire of my heart: Complete

It's one of those nights where I literally feel dragged to the computer by the tugging of my heart. It never fails. Right when I think I have nothing of substance to say, that God must be doing nothing important in my life and that I am wasting it away with decorating a room or a birthday or something frivolous, the Holy Spirit presses down on my heart and compels me to write. To show me that he is doing something. That he is authoring the story of my life, as I speak, as I write.


If you were to ask Ben and I when we were first married, "How many kids do you want?" we would have said, without hesitation, "at least four." That was what we believed and what was in our hearts, that God had called us, and many Christians, to have more children than the average American household. There are many beliefs we held about why this was true:  Children are a gift from God. It is an American myth that you have to be financially secure and in a position to provide everything for your children. Really spiritual Christians who have their priorities in order have more children.  Having lots of children is God's higher calling for one's life. So many people cannot have children at all, it's a travesty to not have as many as God can give you. And most glaring of all: Having a large family is the better, and more noble, route. Some of these beliefs are true. Many of them are not true. Others are sometimes true. Apart from them and, more importantly, we both felt that our heart's desire was to have a full household: The pitter patter of feet down the stairs on Christmas morning. The full breakfast table. The household commotion. The family youth group.

It's amazing how the desires of one's heart can change right under your nose. Recently I've had this itch to get rid of our baby stuff. Once Kimberly outgrows some baby gear item I have the impulse to give it or sell it. I first dismissed this as simply a product of my "less is more" mindset. But as I've mulled it over and talked with Ben, we started to realize that we are both experiencing a change of heart. A changing and a maturing of sorts, and it has been happening at the exact same time. Several months ago if one of us had asked the other if we thought we would have a third child, both of us would have said "Yes, but not anytime soon". However, recently we discovered that we both are sensing in our heart that our family is complete, and experiencing an inner peace that how things are now is how they are supposed to be. That this might be what God has for our family. Our family of four. That doesn't mean God won't change our hearts in the future, and certainly we are open to wherever he brings us, but as of now the deepest part of us is saying this is it. God has dealt bountifully with you.


It's only recently that I've come to believe this desire is from God. When I first began to suspect my heart was changing in this area my critical self drew a few initial conclusions: You feel this way because you are tired. You feel this way because you are selfish and you don't want to put in the hard work of having more kids. You feel this way because you are materialistic. Your priorities must be out of order. This is probably not what God would truly want from you. You are giving up because you've had some trials. You are taking the easy road. You are copping out.


The Enemy always wants to silence us with doubts and fears. He is ruthless and will stop at no means to facilitate our own self-destruction. But it is just that, self-destruction. We cannot self-destruct unless we allow ourselves to.  We hold the power. We hold the ground. We either belong to God or we don't. One thing that helped me move past these doubts was seeing how God was also pressing this on Ben's heart. When he has joined together a husband and wife their spirits are one. It was confirmation to discover that the desires of our hearts were both changing.


On my heart is that our family is complete. That he has gifted us with two wonderful girls and he desires us to invest deeply in them in ways we could not if we as parents were spread more thinly. I believe he wants to do some great things through Anna. She is a special child; she also has special needs that require more attention and energy. I believe if she is watered well she will blossom and bear incredible fruit, and that one of my greatest callings is to invest in her growth as much and as deeply as possible. Kimberly is so young still that I do not yet have a grasp on her, but I will with time. And perhaps at some point in the future, God will call us to new things in different seasons,  like foster parenting, something that's been on my heart a lot lately. I want to be on guard against holding our little family too tightly in my hands... not creating our own little world where our family is at the center. I want to expand and step outside of ourselves to bring in whoever God calls us to. It's too easy to miss these opportunities when you aren't actively expecting them or looking for them to come your way.


I still love large families. I still think God is honored by bringing children into this world in the face of adversity and scarcity. I still believe that he provides for all his children and rejoices over each one that enters this world, and I still think there are many ungodly reasons why couples choose to have few, no, or delayed children. But I no longer view smaller families as less of a calling. I no longer view being a mother of four as being more noble than a mother of two. I no longer put the large family on a pedestal. I have matured in my Christian walk enough to know that God deals with each person differently and only he can judge our decisions and the motivations of our heart.


The wonderful thing about God is that he does change the desires of our heart. We are always afraid that he will call us to something that we dread, something that makes our souls cringe. But the opposite is true; so much more often he molds our will and our hearts perfectly to yearn for the things he has for us in this life, if we allow him to. I am thankful that he has given us peace about where our family is right now. Sure, things could change in the future. They always can.

But for now, I'm not saving that baby gear.