"At first reading, these passages might seem to support spanking. But this is not the only way to interpret them. The term rod is used throughout the Bible in connection with the sheperd's staff: "Your rod and your staff, they comfort me" (Psalms 23:4). The shepherd's staff is, in fact, used to guide wandering sheep along the right path, not to hit sheep who stray. So a compassionate reader could interpret the Bible as saying that parents must lead and guide their children but not harm them. This teaching is developed beautifully in the book A Shepherd Looks at Psalm, 23, by Philip Keller. Finally, note that references to the "rod" are found primarily in the Old Testament. In the New Testament, Christ preaches compassion, love, and understanding, as does Paul. We would hope that all parents, hearing teachers warn about sparing the rod remember Paul's words in 1 Corinthians: 'Shall I come to you with a rod, or in love and the spirit of gentleness?'"
If anyone has any clarifying thoughts for me or if I'm missing something, feel free to leave a comment or message me! I would love to hear others' take on it!
I've also been pondering some of these issues, partly because I'm not sure if this type would work with our daughter Anna... as most typical baby suggestions don't work with her! A lot of my friends have followed a specific type of method/book for strict scheduling, feeding, sleeping, crying it out, etc. for their infants. For many of them, it worked fine. While I attempted some of those things in part (others just didn't sit right with me), they didn't really work for us. Anna is still not on a complete schedule and though she sleeps pretty well at night and is growing well, she has a very high-needs temperament (pretty much exactly like the link description- otherwise described as "alert," "intense," "curious," "interactive," "attitude," "demanding"). At first I kept telling myself, "If you were a better parent, she would be more predictable and she wouldn't be needy or high-maintenance." Especially since she's our first child, it's easy to think it's your fault she's not like all the other babies... you know, the ones who sleep all the time, you have to wake up to feed (Anna prefers to scream bloody murder), the ones who fall asleep in their carseats and pretty much black out while Mom does her errands (Anna will either wake up intensely in her carseat to see everything around her refusing to nap, or scream). She is so particular with her feeding style, I would not be breastfeeding right now if I had put her on a "every 3 hour " feeding schedule. Nope, she would go on strike and refuse to nurse at all! She prefers to eat ALL the time. Recently, I've realized that that condemnation because Anna is not as predictable as I would like is not from God. She is just the way God created her! While she can be a demanding little one to care for, she also has this adorable personality and joy. She may not be the prototype "good" baby that people describe (and what exactly is a "good" baby anyway? "Good" according to who? :) God creates ingrained temperaments different in each infant-that doesn't necessarily make some "good" and others "not good". Perhaps some babies simply need more, have different needs, and know how to make those needs known! During her delivery, I remember Anna's heart rate drop, her traumatic emergency birth, the placental condition we realized I had (that often ends in stillbirth), and her tiny preemie-size birthweight, and I rejoice that she made it here alive, a miracle! I remember the first night we brought her home and how unsettled, overstimulated, and scared she was- the hospital staff told us she would probably have a difficult time adjusting (it now makes perfect sense to Ben and I why God told us to resign from my job to take care of Anna... only he knew how she would be!). I've decided that instead of being worried that I'm doing something wrong because Anna is not the prototype good baby (and I can't boast about how she never cries and falls asleep on cue), I am going to focus on simply loving and enjoying the joy that she is and all that is different about her...(thank you to this story which was very helpful). I like this principle from another mother:
"I believe there is room for many different styles of parenting within our culture and throughout all cultures in history. We are to follow Jesus, not methods. Jesus is life. Everything else suffocates life."
One of the reasons why I love to read this mother's blog so much. She lives and breathes this, and throws off everything else- fear, the expectations of others, others' opinions, man's religous standards.
And eventually we will get in more of a routine... :).... I have faith!
4 comments:
A GREAT book to read on parenting is "Loving Our Kids On Purpose" by Danny Silk. He is out of Bethel in Redding. Here is a quote from the description: "Loving Our Kids on Purpose brings the principles of the Kingdom of God and revival into our strategy as parents. 2 Corinthians 3:17 tells us that Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. Most parenting approaches train children to learn to accept being controlled by well meaning parents and adults. Unfortunately, God is not going to control us as we gain independence from our parents.We must learn to control ourselves.This book will teach parents to train their children to manage their freedoms and protect their important heart to heart relationships."
I'm totally with you on this one..I Know a lot of folks, Christians especially, who adopt a strict "culture of discipline" and while inthink this becomes more applicable as children get older, i think in it a lot of ways I is just a cover-up for a self-serving way some peopl choose to rear their children...I hear a lot of protests that "we need time for ourselves" and other excuses to that effect for the reasons so many force their infants to cry it out or stay on a strict schedule...but the truth is children take most of your time and i think the challenge is to continue to grow as a person and as a parent in that tight space rather than force a baby to fit into yours...again, i think discipline comes into place as they get older, but I think Americans especially tend to rush the process of their child's independence in order to regain theirs...I've prob offended several people so I will end on that note
First of all, I'm so happy you are out of that condemnation of blaming yourself for Anna's temperament. I have tried with both Kai and Caleb to get them on a strict schedule and what worked for Kai definitely didn't work for Caleb. I have another friend who had a very high needs baby and now he is a really easy going, happy toddler so don't think it will be difficult forever! They usually grow out of it.
I would caution that just as you should "beware any doctrine based solely in proverbs", you should also beware of throwing it out altogether. Brandon and I have found spanking to often be the best form of discipline for Kai. We have used time-out for some things. When he fist started having temper tantrums we didn't think he had a lot of control over them so instead we would put him in his crib until he learned to calm himself down. That worked pretty well.
What I love about spanking is that it's a simple, immediate consequence that even a 7 month old can understand and it can be used anywhere. I think time-out tends to just prolong the punishment. A 7 month old is not going to just "sit there and think about what they did wrong". By the time they're up they won't even remember why they were there to begin with.
We were very careful in the way that we spanked Kai. We followed these guidelines:
1)NEVER spank when you're angry
2) Only work on one thing at a time so your child is always clear about what they will be spanked for. When Kai could crawl we started by spanking him only if he touched the fireplace or the oven. As he grew, we slowly added more boundaries for him. We are currently working on training him to come to us whenever we call him. He has always known exactly which things he can expect a spanking for.
3) Always give a warning beforehand.
4) Always give a hug afterwards.
5) Spank with a switch instead of your hand to help them differentiate between hitting and spanking.
6) Always spank hard enough for it to hurt, but NEVER hard enough to leave a mark.
7) Be consistent!
Also, I'll add...
Another thing I like about spanking is that it does give the child a choice. They learn to think "I can touch the fireplace, but if I do then I have to face the consequence and get a spanking". They learn to control their own actions based on the consequences. I've noticed a lot of moms who don't spank end up just controlling their child by their own strength instead of teaching the child to control himself. For example, at 7 months we taught Kai that he could touch the fireplace, but everytime he did he would get a spanking. I saw other moms just bend down and move their child away from the fireplace every time the child started crawling towards it. That doesn't actually teach the child anything. I saw how important this was when we started teaching Kai to come when he was called. At first, he always disobeyed the fist time. He would get a spanking then I would set him back down and say, "Let's try again." I would back away and call "come". He would get the biggest smile ever and then come running to me. He would then be rewarded by lots of hugs and praise. He learned to control his impulses and choose to come to me even when he really wanted to run off somewhere else. I have seen a lot of other moms constantly running after their toddler and dragging them kicking and screaming back to them or to time-out. It doesn't seem good for the mom or the child.
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