Messy

Lately I have been hit hard with the reality of my own brokenness.

The realization that I still have much in my broken past that haunts me

and occupies unwanted space in my soul.

The reality that I have some character traits now, as an adult,
that are not as they should be.

I guess that's what happens when you become a parent.
When you are staring face to face with the possibility that this precious life entrusted to you just might turn out...

a lot like you.

And how scary that is.

Is that what I want?

Please, no.

Change me.

I want to be the version of myself my Father saw when he knit me together.

Where is that person?

I look in the mirror and see a mess. It's all there staring back at me:

Fear. Insecurity. Selfishness. Envy. Ingratitude. Judgement. Intolerance. Bitterness.

Each one picked up along this broken path of life.
Broken responses to broken situations.

He looks in the mirror and sees beauty.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.¹

Everything. Beautiful.

Give me your eyes God. Your strength.

Hope.

These few days alone a lot of pent-up emotions came flooding out.
Tears that hadn't been cried.

That I didn't even know were waiting to be let out of their temporary homes in my soul.

A mess.

I pull up my knees and lay my head on them. When I close my eyes, I feel my heavenly Father's arms wrap around me and hold me on his lap.

My Father's lap.

A place I never knew in the physical. A place my heart still longs for.

And my God will supply all your needs.²

All my needs. Every one.

Thank you for loving this beautiful mess. Without you I am dust, the walking dead.

You are my life, my soul, my everything.

1- Ecclesiastes 3:11

2- Phillippians 4:19