At the End of My Rope

It's been awhile since I've written; Lisa could probably tell you how many months and how many days. She likes to count down (baby) and up (marriage).

For those who don't know, I'm 5 months into a 27-month Physician Assistant program. My life and therefore, often Lisa's, is centered around my studies, because the program is so intense. For example, "Oh, you want to hang out on Saturday? I’m sorry babe but it'll have to be next weekend, because I have a huge Pharmacology test on Monday"...."Hey, want to watch a movie? I can take an hour and a half break." You get the idea.

The upside of studying non-stop and rarely getting a breather is that it drives me straight to the real center of my life. He never fails to love, encourage, supply what I'm lacking, etc. I’m always so blown away that he cares about a measly test of mine. Here’s the latest example:

Last week was brutal. I had 4 tests Tuesday through Friday, a project due on Saturday, and then the mother of them two days later (this past Monday): Pharmacology. Whenever anyone in my class mentions the words “Pharm” and “test” together in the same sentence, half the class impulsively shivers. So Sunday evening, I’m spent. None of the material has really sunk in, and I know I’m in trouble. I remember thinking, “Wow, I really am at the end of the proverbial rope!” So I cry out to God and remarkably he never gets tired of bleating lambs crying out in fear. For a split-second, I have this image in my mind of a rope dangling above me. I felt God was saying, “Oh, you’re at the end of your rope? Grab mine.” Then of course instead of saying “OK,” my mind rushes to the “how.” How is he going to do it? Will the test be postponed, will he magically give me the answers I so desperately need during the test, or will I fail a test for the first time since my very first undergraduate test many years ago (an 8/100 in biology)? What drives me crazy even though it’s great for faith-building, is that he never tells me how beforehand. He just says he will do something and implicitly or explicitly asks me to simply trust him.

The next day I take the test, turn in the Scantron, and self-grade using the key provided. I score a 72.5. Only 2.5 points from passing. I am told several answers are miskeyed, but with my lack of knowledge going into the test, that could easily hurt me more than help. And then there’s the possibility of the curve, but who knows what that will be. I’m pretty upset for a few hours. Over the course of the week, I go through the 5 stages of grief, all the while waiting like the rest of the class with anticipation for our grades to be posted. At first I think, “What about that rope, God?” Then, I think, well, I shouldn’t have passed, so if I did, then there’s the rope I guess. Then I remembered the morning of the test, I did happen to find out that a certain review sheet was the skeleton to the test and was invited to study last-minute with a couple of classmates who were able to explain to me 90% of the questions on the review. I guess that was a miracle of sorts.

Yesterday, Friday, at the end of the day, I receive an email that we will be re-taking the Pharm test on Monday, as only 25% of the class passed the test. We will have the opportunity to review the old test together and then re-take the SAME test an hour later. What??!! I have never heard of that happening in our program, not in this class nor any other. This probably is an unprecedented act of mercy by a professor who previously refused to push back this test two days, considering the preceding string of tests and project. No, there’s the rope. As if a Pharmacology test was too big for him! And as I write this, I am reminded of another thought I had on Sunday, “God, if you can move this mountain, I’ll believe you for anything.” Gulp.

“Was my arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you?” Isaiah 50: 2b