Deserts

Let me start by saying this entry is rather personal, yet I find this kind of writing, in the posture of listening, therapeutic. Read at your own risk.

Let me also start by saying how I just recently discovered the incredible view from the terrace of the upstairs boys’ home, along with its most spacious dance space. I have decided to make this my frequent visiting area.

God seems to be fond of deserts.

The Israelites wandered in the desert for 40 years before crossing into the promised land.
Jesus was led into the desert for 40 days before the start of his ministry of miracles.
God allowed Job to be brought through his own desert, when his whole family was destroyed in an instant.
God allured the adulterer into the desert in Hosea, in order to “speak tenderly to her."

Note the common theme here of being "led" into the desert. They don't just stumble and fall into the desert. The move is purposeful, planned.

For me personally, I would consider the past 2 years a desert. Of course, amazing things have happened within these two years, including my marriage to Ben. But when it comes down to just the raw experience of God and myself, I would have to label this time a desert.

You see, before this time I enjoyed a consistently close, warm relationship with Jesus for 3-4 years. I would talk to him and he would talk back. I would feel and experience his presence. I would receive revelation and life from the Word. Worship was incredible and God’s power was all around. It was so great that when people talked about being "dry," I couldn’t even relate. What's that like? I wondered. In my personal life, I was usually a confident, able person. I thought of myself as social and at ease around others, often offering up comfort to those that were shy or anxious. I was confident of my skills and abilities as I was excelling in most areas of my life (I was probably too confident).

Then, like a thief in the night, I experienced a change in 2007. God felt far away, as if he was no longer available at any moment. I found myself plagued with doubts about my capabilities, which led to fear and anxiety, and a slow regression of my abilities. This often happens with fear. Psychologists call it the "self-fulfilling prophecy." I would simply say that fear paralyzes us… it prevents us from acting... it takes away our motivation through insecurity and the constant nipping of “failure” at our heels. Slowly my talents and abilities began to "freeze," and I developed insecurity. I started experiencing some anxiety in social situations. Sadly, I feel like a different person now than 2 years ago. The real “me” has been struggling to surface.

For a long time, I fought this desert. I cried, got angry at God, tried to push through it with prayer as if I could change its length by sheer will (or maybe I could somehow twist the arm of God to show a little mercy), and tried to figure out what I had done wrong to make this happen. Why did He feel so far away and how could I bring him back?

Then today, on the upstairs boys terrace, it finally hit me.

I can’t make the desert go away, I can’t fight it (well I can, but it sure is tiring), and I can’t even blame God for it. I can only embrace it.

I think that's what Jesus did.

And this got me thinking more about deserts. I mean, what is their purpose really? We hear lots of sermons on the "desert" and pushing through it, maintaining discipline, etc. But I wanted something more, something personal, and I wanted it from Him.

In Deuteronomy, it says he led the Israelites “all the way into the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart” and to “teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

So... what exactly is in my heart, God? Do I live on everything you provide for me (the bread) or on you alone?

In Hosea, God says “I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.”

In Psalm 66, it says that he “brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. He let men ride over our heads and we went through fire and water.”

Matthew says that “Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert for forty days and nights to be tempted by the devil.”

So I realized I am in good company. Even Jesus was led into the desert. This is not the end of the story, however. The story never ends with the desert.

Later, Deuteronomy says “For the Lord is bringing you into a good land- a land with streams and pools of water... where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing.”

Hosea follows with “Then I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Trouble a door of hope. She will sing as in the days of her youth.”

Psalm 66 ends with “But you brought us into a place of abundance…Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!”

Jesus came out of the desert and began the most incredible ministry of all time, followed by the saving of the world.

And finally, Revelation says “to him who overcomes, I give the right to sit with me on my throne.”

The Psalmist got it right. God doesn’t withhold his love from us. Who are we to think that just because we can’t experience his love right now, that he is withholding it from us? Jesus cannot be anything other than who he is. It is we who must struggle through our flesh, doubts, and resistance. In the end, we must die. In embracing our desert, we die. It is only then that we are able to live.

Job says that “he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.” After Job lost his entire family and all of his own dignity, it says that God gave him twice as much as before and blessed the latter part of his life more than the first. These blessings, however weren’t why Job embraced his desert. It was because of who He was.

And so I have unashamedly decided to embrace my desert. I no longer will rack my brain for revelation about why, I will no longer condemn myself or God for its existence. I’m not sure how long it will last… months? Years? Maybe a turn is right around the corner. No matter, that is not my concern.

Today I simply danced. I danced to God, I “danced upon injustice” for this country, this city, the people, but mostly for myself. I stopped thinking and I simply offered what I had to Jesus…myself. It may not be enough to please those around me, but it’s enough for him.

I will embrace the desert with my God… I will embrace whatever he brings my way, keeping my eyes fixed on the only thing worth looking at, Him. Not his felt presence, not his revelation, not his power, not his voice, not even his promises, though he has so many wonderful ones for us in the desert. Just Him. He is no less himself because of my current circumstances. He was, is, and always will be Himself.

I Am.

And THAT is enough for me.