And there it is...

Feeling a lot better today. I know I haven't posted much about Anna's condition. I did a post a while back with the full story but then deleted it on second thought (I re-posted it here). I guess I didn't want people's pity. Or people thinking "Ooh, I'm glad that's not me". And honestly, it was just too much for me to do until now. But, I feel like it's time. So without further adieu, I will introduce it with style thanks to Nike, Powerade, and Kenneth Cole :)

Oscar Pistorius, Runner.

Anna has the same condition Oscar has but in her left leg only- she was born with Fibular Hemimelia Type II. It is a rare disorder that occurs 1 in every 40,000 births. In her left leg she is completely missing her fibula bone, and her tibia bone is bent and shorter than her right leg (so she has a short leg that would get shorter as her other leg grows).  It also is accompanied by a mishapen ankle joint and only four toes.

And from a woman's perspective...

Well, there you have it- I hope you enjoyed these videos as much as I did!

I can't wait to see what God does through all of this.

Here is a close up of her leg. She's thinking, "Chill Mama. I'll be fine!"

Swinging

This morning we had one of our big doctors appointments with the surgeon. Not sure what I expected exactly, but mostly we just came away with a bunch of question marks, uncertainties, and feeble professional attempts to not get our hopes up. Coming home, Ben had to immediately take a final, which he was able to just skate by. He has another one tomorrow that he had to start cramming for right away. It's not that he isn't or doesn't want to be supportive, it's just that having an infant does a number on your academics. And he has to finish the semester. He's doing it for his family, really, so of course I wasn't upset at him for not being able to be there for me much today. There's little he could say anyway- it was probably better to just be alone.

I took a walk while Anna was sleeping. Just around the apartment. I desperately wanted to get away to clear my head, but there isn't much in the way of privacy where we are. And I couldn't stay in the apartment. I headed for the complex's playground... because, well..... they have a swingset. I always used to go swinging as a child when I felt the world was too much for me to bear.

I swung and swung. I usually swing with Anna in the carrier in the mornings, but I felt so much lighter without her hanging from my shoulders. I could swing higher. So I did. It was as if I weighed nothing. I closed my eyes, felt the wind in my face... looked up at the stormy clouds overhead.

I didn't feel  like listening to worship or praise music so I put on Taylor Swift's "Best Day" on my ipod. It's a nostalgic song that brings her back to the simplicity of her childhood.

I wanted to feel like a kid again. A kid without the weight of the world on my shoulders. A kid who doesn't have to think about how to help her baby, and how to protect her from what the future holds.  How to be strong for her when I feel like I could fall apart at any moment.

I guess I'm just tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of being patient, of waiting. Tired of holding it all in. Tired of trying to see the best of things or be thankful for the blessings I do have. Tired of praying. Tired of feeling helpless. Alone. I want to pretend like nothing is happening in the world except me swinging in the breeze... higher and higher. If only I could float off this swing and be lifted up and away.... away from what? I don't really know. From decision making... from responsibilty.... from the burden of loving another so much that your heart aches and not being able to do anything for them. From the unknown.

It felt good to just.... swing. To just Be.

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."

Psalm 31:9

Timeless

Anna wearing her Aunt Jessica's sun dress from 24 years ago :)

 

Four Months

I cannot believe Anna is four months old!

I also cannot believe we made it to this milestone. The last four months held a lot of challenges for us, but we have definitley reached a turning point in many areas!

Anna is eating really well thanks to our recent switch. I estimate that she is eating about triple what she did before. And you can tell- she's gained a ton of weight in a short period of time! She is also sleeping so much better- taking 4 naps a day in her crib (thanks to Sarah who shared this sleep/awake baby chart. It was really helpful and accurate for her). She also has learned to fall asleep on her own (most of the time). SO glad we listened to our instincts over the last 3 months, had some patience, and helped her learn to settle down instead of leaving her to 'figure it out' on her own as a newborn. She went 9 hours the other night without waking up!

She still has her high strung moments, but lately more often than not she is smiley and happy. CUTE as can be. She's discovered that she can gurgle and I'll catch her by herself gurgling away for entertainment. She loves sucking her fingers and most recently, her thumb. She turns up her little nose at pacifiers :)

She can roll over front to back and back to front, though we have yet to catch the latter in action. We know she does it because we will enter the room to find her mysteriously like this:

She also sits propped up pretty well, though she will topple over without support.

Her little eyes look like they are turning some sort of green/hazel, but time will tell. She is wearing 0-3 month clothes, though many are still too big. She loves taking a bath, loves to be sung to (even though her parents have terrible voices), and puts everything in her mouth.

I can't believe just 4 months ago this is what we brought home...

I love you so much Anna Bean. I cherish every minute I get to spend with you.

Letters

Dear Library, I'm so glad we became reunited. You make my cable free living oh so much better. I spend less time on the computer and more time in my comfy leather chair. I feel like there's this whole big world out there I have been neglecting.

Hair, I liked when you stayed on my head while I was pregnant. It was so nice. Now I have to deal with your long black strands everywhere. And well, it's not fun. Nor pretty. There are rare moments when I wish my hair were blond, but cleaning the bathroom is one of them.

Anna, why must you constantly elude your parents when you roll from your back to your tummy? We know you do it.

Pinterest, how I love thee.

Pandora, thank you for making my new "Disney" channel fabulous. I seem to like it more than Anna (and more than all my other channels). Now I don't have to buy a bunch of kiddo CDs. Thanks for that. Oh, and for being free.

Dear Constipation, please stop torturing my daughter (and me in the process). Thanks.

Cavalier, I wonder how you are doing in the junkyard these days? I bet it is pretty lonely. I miss having you around. I'm disappointed you couldn't hold out one more year until Ben graduated....but I guess it's okay since it's too hot to really leave the apartment anyway. However, someday I'm sure I will want to go somewhere. Anna gets pretty bored around here. So please send a replacement soon. Thanks.

Milk, please feel free to leave anytime. I don't really have a need for you anymore, and no offense but you are kind of painful. Oh and when you return, try to slow down and be a little more manageable for your customer. Then hopefully you can stick around.

Dear school, you have held my husband ransom long enough. In one week, he will have regained a portion of his freedom. Rotations, please be kind to him.

Kroger, thank you for having so many good vegetable sales lately. You are starting to make up for that expired turkey you sold me a month ago that made me sick.

Dear Neighbor, I'm sorry that you like to argue with your wife girlfriends. But please refrain from yelling while baby is sleeping. Thanks.