Love

I love this song because like her, it has taken me many hard lessons to realize what love is all about. Thanks to the Great Teacher, and to my 'other' teacher- my other half, or "la otra mitad de mi naranja"

Love, I made it mine
I made it small
I made it blind
I followed hard only to find
It wasn't love

Love, of songs and pen
oh love of movie endings
takes out the break
leaves out the bend
and misses love

Love not of you
love not of me
come hold us up
come set us free
not as we know it
but as it can be

Love's reality
is not a passing bravery
it holds out hope beyond what's seen
the hope of love

Love not of you
love not of me
come hold us up
come set us free
not as we know it
but as it can be.

"Love" by Sara Groves

Remembering Egypt

So I've been thinking a lot about the phenomenom of romanticizing the past... and I came across a strikingly appropriate song the other day, so I thought I would share.

It seems easy for us to look back on certain past times in our lives with a sense of longing. Usually those times were not perfect, and may not even have been altogether good, but it's as if the sentimental part of us clings only to the most positive of those memories- whatever security, comfort, joy, friendship, or simplicity of life we found there. And we long for a part of it. It's alluring to us.

I've also been thinking about the Israelites in the desert. Funny I realized I've blogged about them 3 different times. I guess there are so many parts of their story that strike a chord with me. As Rob Bell says in Velvet Elvis, "Their story is not just their story.... it's our story".

I wonder what it was like for them, all those years wandering in the desert with nothing but a promise. At first they were only looking forward to the future and the freedom God had promised them, a land flowing with milk and honey. Yet once the road started getting tougher, it was easy for them to look back upon where they came from, Egypt- a land where they had been held captive, with longing.

"Why is the Lord bringing us into this land... would it not be better for us to return to Egypt?" (Numbers 14:2)

Despite the fact that they were in captivity there, despite what God had promised them, the Israelities longed for Egypt.

"We remember the fish we ate in Egypt... at no cost!" (Numbers 11). It amazes me how ready they were to go back to the captivity of Egypt... because they remembered something so comfortable there that they lacked in their present circumstance- food.

But Egypt wasn't what they really longed for, was it? They longed for what they remembered of Egypt, not the reality of Egypt. Their memories clung only to what they missed in the present. The future was just a promise that required faith, and it was too difficult to put their hope in it. It was more comfortable to remember the past as something it wasn't.

I have been listening to a lot of Sara Groves lately, who quickly has become my favorite Christian artist because of the honesty and poignancy of her lyrics. It was pretty cool how one song of hers deals directly with this tendency. The chorus goes "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked... cause the future feels so hard and I want to go back" and continues with the line "but the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I've learned."

It is easy for me to look back on some periods of my life, times like my Crossfire summer, internship at Wesley, an incredibly close friendship, or life-changing trip to Guatemala, and experience longing for pieces of those memories in my life now. It's always easier to long for the familiar when the future is unknown. But God takes us through seasons, and the things that used to fit us can no longer hold where we are... and who we are. And his promises for who we will be are always better than who we once were.... "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory." (2 Cor. 3:18)

One of the people I admire the most in the bible is Caleb, because he held on to God's promises of Israel. He didn't let go. He didn't let the alluring familiarity of the past keep him from the freedom God had for him. And he led a whole nation to their new promised land because of this faith. I think of Caleb as one of the most courageous men in the bible. A history-changer.

Painting Pictures of Egypt

I don't want to leave here

I don't want to stay

it feels like pinching to me either way.

And the places I long for most

are the places where I've been

they are calling after me like a long lost friend.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt

leaving out what it lacked

cause the future seems so hard

and I want to go back.

But the places that used to fit me

cannot hold the things I've learned

and those roads were closed off to me

while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible

I know it by heart

familiar things are never easy to discard.

I was dying for some freedom

but now I hesitate to go

caught between the promise and the things I know.

- Sara Groves

The Adventures of...

Ok I realize this picture is kind of creepy... ok really creepy. But it's perfect for this post!

So Ben's been in physician assistant school for 2 weeks now. I've attempted to take on the Super Wife role (hence the picture). This includes working full-time, doing all the cooking, the shopping, the finances, (most of)the cleaning up, all the laundry, plus the administrative household duties such as keeping up with our health stuff/car maintenance/insurance (you could say I'm slightly OCD, I prefer the term ultra-organized :).

I realize that many of you already do all of these things (plus raise 3+ kids), and it's not that big of a deal to you. Humor me.

In the past, Ben and I would usually cook together and split the other duties up (I have been blessed). However, since he now has to spend all of his time studying, I (voluntarily) took on the other tasks.

So far, it's gone better than I thought. I'm used to having more free time, but that's the way life goes. I've enjoyed making meals much more than I thought I would. I used to not really enjoy cooking meals. Honestly, I think baking is more up my alley. I like being able to pop something in the oven, clean up while it's cooking, and know exactly when it's going to be done. Less hectic. That's the Type A personality coming out.

Back to what I was saying... it has been going pretty well so far. I can't guarantee I will feel that way in, say, two months from today. But I hope I will. I figure it's not much to support someone for 2 years when they will be supporting you and your family for their entire lives, right? Then again, I'm a selfish person and don't always remember this. Ben even made the comment that he was surprised and happy that I've been so understanding and not demanding of his time. He probably pictured himself struggling between his studies and a needy wife. I bet he was pleasantly surprised to see how independent I can be. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks. But I say the outlook is good.

And Ben has been loyaly committed to those pesky things I despise- killing bugs, taking out the trash, calling HP when my printer stops working and I'm about to have a breakdown if I have to punch through another automated phone system and talk to the HP lady for an hour.

I'll let you know how the future goes... hopefully I won't end up like Amy Adams from Julie & Julia, collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing with a botched dinner job... he he. If I do I'll be sure to tell you about it, friends (ok maybe not).

So here's to all you REAL superwives out there- who do so much for your families every day! I admire you and aspire to be like you :p

Now what I really need are some new recipe ideas...

To Settle

To Settle: to take up residence and become established / to become settled or established and stable in one's residence or lifestyle.

When I look back in my life, it has always been very important for me to be settled. Even as a child, I would look for 'hideouts' or personal areas for which I could make my own. My favorite book was one about an orphan named Mandy who found an abandoned cottage that became her own cared-for place. I read it over and over again. I cherished my own place, privacy, and stability. Later on in life, I would always fix my room just-so. My college years, whenever I had to move out whether it be moving from a dorm to an apartment or moving out for the summer, I struggled with the moving process. I craved stability in a place. I craved settlement. Perhaps I despised the feeling of not having control over that part of my life.

I think it's interesting that after 9 months of being in one town after our wedding, Ben and I spent the last year of marriage unsettled. In some form or another we've lived out of our suitcases and boxes for the past year. India for 6 months, several months with Ben’s family, and two months with a friend's family where we are now. As we are getting ready to move into our new apartment in a week, I'm thinking about the upcoming 'settlement' while reflecting on the past year.

I'm not sure exactly what God had in store for us during this unsettled process. We have been blessed in so many ways, by being able to spend time with family, by having wonderful friends to stay with here.... but it has still been difficult. Difficult dealing with my innate desire to have more stability in my environment. To not have to deal with so much change. I think I have handled the adjustment 'ok', I haven't broken down in tears or anything, but I have withdrawn socially a lot during the last 6 months. Haven't felt quite like myself. Maybe some of that is adjusting from India, as well.

Instead of rambling on without meaning, I'll leave you with this. Our security isn't found in a place. It's not found in consistency, in environmental stability, in routine. As much as we would like to create this for ourselves, and how we often try to, we cannot control our life by controlling our material surroundings. God has allowed me to experience this in an in-your-face way this year. Our only true settlement is found in God. He is our dwelling place.

I once heard Rolland Baker, a missionary in Africa, say that he could be in a mud hut in Mozambique or a hotel in England, and he would be at home.

He could enter into his place of familiarity and comfort wherever he was. Because his home was not a physical place, it was the heart of God. For as children of God, we are citizens not of this world, but of heaven. I guess I’m thankful for learning a small piece of this lesson.


"God, it seems you've been our home forever;

long before the mountains were born.. "

(Psalm 90:1, The Message)

Long-past-due

I've realized how bad I've been about letting everyone know what is going on. So here goes. We are moving this Friday.

I (Lisa) am starting a counseling position at a hospital. They haven't really figured out the title since it goes back and forth between Behavior Specialist and Behavioral Health Counselor. Either way, it's working with behavior (in case you couldn't tell)- assessments, counseling, treatment plans, and the like. I will have a caseload with people with severe, persistant mental illness and/or addiction. Wow, this job is a HUGE blessing and came at just the right time (before I accepted a less-ideal job). My training starts Monday and will be ONE MONTH- can you believe it? One month of training.

Ben is starting PA school on May 17 (2.5 years). For the time being we'll be staying with a friend's extremely gracious parents (thank you Stones!) with a cute terrier and a talking parrot, until we can move into an apartment. We've been in such transition that it will be really nice to finally be settled once we are able to move for good. Hopefully this will happen before Ben starts school because his program will be really demanding. People have told us it's even more time-consuming than medical school because you are condensing similar material into 2 years instead of 3. So we will definitley need a lot of grace during this season of our lives. Lots of movement, transition, waiting, and new things. It feels really overwhelming sometimes, especially with not having access to a permanent place to live and moving around 3 times in 5 months!, but we're taking one day at a time (Ben is much better at this than I am), and we really are thankful for the opportunities given... and for both the our family's and the Stones allowing us to stay with them for different periods. Right now Ben has to finish 3 medical textbooks before school even starts! Grace and lots of it...