The Best Summer Ever

First off, let me apologize for my poor structure of this post. I had a hard time making it flow. And I'm sure my grammer is terrible but I'm too lazy to fix it right now. You have been warned.

I was a bridesmaid in my friend Christina's wedding this past weekend.

Seeing her get married allowed me to reminisce about when we met and how it was The Best Summer Ever.

It was the summer before The Best Year Ever - my internship at Wesley in 2006.

I applied for a travelling youth ministry team of six people through Wesley at UGA. The team was built with three girls and three guys whom they thought would fit together and could together provide worship, teaching, discipleship, small groups, and games for youth weeks. Christina and Patrick were the two worship leaders (I don't even come close to possessing such skills).

We travelled in a van for two months all over the state and led youth weeks for 11 different churchs.

It was just the six of us. No one telling us what to say or how to say it. No one doing anything for us. We were totally dependant on God. When we arrived at a new church, we prayed together. We waited on God. What did he want to do this week? What did he want to talk about to these youth? What were their struggles? What was going on in the church that he was passionate about? We listened. We talked. And we led youth week. Each church's week was different. Each night was different. Some nights we had no idea what we were going to talk about with the kids- until God put something on our hearts at the last minute. We planned a few things like games and activities but we left the worship, teaching, and ministry open to leave room for God to lead us. And he always showed up. Because he likes to do that.

It was awesome.

We were a little family of six- together all summer in a van. We slept in youth's homes. We slept on the floor of churches on occasion. We had ridiculous amount of fun. We played a lot of silly games. We got really messy. We did whatever it took to make the youth laugh. We danced to Celine Dion. We lip-synced to Backstreet Boys. We got in flour fights. We got covered in mustard. And ketchup, mayonnaise, chocolate, and hot sauce. God likes to reveal himself in worship, teaching, and ministry..... but also in silliness.

I'm not exactly a silly person. I never have been. I've always been more on the serious, contemplative side. Even as a child. I guess you could say I'm an old soul. Not sure if it's simply my personality, or events that happened while I was young, or both.

Despite my tendency towards the opposite, I became a silly kid that Crossfire summer. One time I even laughed hysterically for 30 minutes straight. While I was covered in mustard. Gross. Who would have thought mustard could be so redemptive? :) 
 
Before we started the summer we were told that some of these churches get really REALLY excited about Crossfire. That they get the preview flyer with our picture and start talking- anticipating what each team member will be like. They tell Last Year's Crossfire Stories. "You'll be like an instant superstar," I was told. Yeah right. I didn't believe it until we arrived to an auditorium full of cheering teenagers. Maybe it was the van.

I dug up some old pictures for my own enjoyment.

WHAT WE DID DURING
 THE BEST SUMMER EVER

Took lots of Crossfire family photos.

Hung out with a lot of youth.

Traveled in a van that was always kidnapped and decorated upon our departure.

Ate watermelon in the watermelon capital of the world.

Got really, really excited to make childhood dreams come true during our days off ....

Slid down homemade slip 'n slides (apparently I missed the memo on how to slide).

Did any and everything it took to make the kids laugh

(ok the boys did any and everything it took, ha!)

Ate a lot of hamburgers, pizza, and cake. Check out my expression upon looking at the Bubba Burger nutrition facts. On the bright side, it was the one time I could keep on a healthy extra ten pounds. Although if it was the result of  hamburgers and pizza it wouldn't be considered healthy now would it. Oh well.

And finally, made a lifelong friend.

It was my first real opportunity to be completely free to walk in my spiritual gifts. It was an opportunity to step out. At the beginning of the summer, I promised myself I wouldn't regret not doing something because of fear. So even though I wasn't the main speaker I still got up there and led the "message"- mostly when God really laid something on my heart to speak. I would try to prepare by coming up with what I was going to say ahead of time but I never had more than bits and pieces. It wasn't until I got up and opened my mouth that it all came together. God wanted me to be dependant on him and not my abilities. It was hard, but so worth it. I'll never forget that summer.

In closing, I came across an awesome letter I saved from one of the kids written to Andy, one of our team members.

I can’t begin to even thank you for all that you did Monday night. It’s kind of funny that as of last Friday night, I had no idea what I would be doing this week. Friday morning, a friend called me, Katie (blond haired girl who left this morning for orientation at UGA) and asked me to come and I was just like um… I don’t think so. I’ve always wanted to visit the church but I was just always afraid of people not liking me or not fitting in.

When your team came in Barberitos Friday night and every one of you asked me to come, I was more sure than ever that the invitation was open. As the week went on I began to feel more and more welcome and at home with the youth group and Crossfire team. Monday night was the climax, as of yet, because I feel like tonight will be the highlight of the journey known as Crossfire. As the invitation played, you came up and asked to pray for me. You have no idea what that started, and the things that you felt burdened to pray for me about were the exact things that I needed prayer for.

There have been relationships in my past, with friends and ex-girlfriends, that ended on a bitter note. For a year now, I’ve harbored feelings of hate towards people. I didn’t speak to them, I didn’t love them, I didn’t care for them. As far as I was concerned, they didn’t exist. Monday night we sang the chorus “we want to be free from everything that keeps us from more of you”. That was what had been keeping me from being closer to God. As you prayed for me, I felt the burden of hate being lifted off of my chest, a spiritual healing of sorts.

I cannot begin to thank you for starting the new found love in my heart Monday night. I wish you the very best in your summer long adventures with the Crossfire team. My prayers will be with you all and I want you to know that what you are doing is not in vain. The little things came together for a reason this week. Your team ate at Barberitos for a reason Friday night. I came for a reason. The reason was that I had to get right with God. I thank you for being bold and being an example. Crossfire 2006 will definitely be something I will NEVER forget, not only for the things I gave up, but for the things I have gained. Thanks for what you do. God is using you in a mighty way, and we are just the beginning for this long and glorious summer. Good luck and God Bless.



What great memories!



Three Beautiful Years

Today is Ben's and my three year anniversary. I can't believe it's already been three years. It feels so much shorter and so much longer all at the same time.

It's feels shorter because things still feel ever changing, never stagnant, and exciting. I suppose that's how it was meant to be.

It feels longer because we have already been through significant trials, heartaches, and seasons of hardship.

Yet amidst the trials, God has remained good. As he cannot be anything but. He cannot be anything other than Himself. Good. And he has shown his love to us abundantly. Sometimes we've had to search for it- to roll away a hard, cold rock to find his love resting beneath. But it's always been there.

Sometimes it just takes a little longer to uncover it.

As life goes on, I become more and more thankful for the love that pours from my wonderful husband. In time it has only increased in both weight and meaning.

The second half of this resolved2worship post was very timely in gently reminding me- amidst the blur of responsibilities that come with having a child- of what those vows meant 3 years ago. Of exactly what I committed to.

I still have a lot to learn.

Thankfully, I have a patient God.

And a very patient husband. :)

Theo-llians 2011

I realized that I never did a post on our family beach vacation. Seriously- how could I forget this one?

Here's the background: After my father died my mother married Bernie (my stepfather, who also had lost his wife in a car accident). Bernie had 4 grown children (the Theobalds), and he took on 3 more little ones (me and my sisters, the Akullians). So I inherited 4 siblings, except they felt more like aunts and uncles because they were so much older and out of the house. Now many of them are married with children, hence the big "immediate" family. We are all spread out over the country- Georgia, Florida, Massachusetts, North Carolina, New York, and Colorado, so it makes it hard to see everyone all at once. A few years ago for my parents' anniversary we all came together for a vacation at the Outer Banks. It was a blast. We decided to continue the tradition this year for their 25th anniversary. We all got together again- this time at a beach house in Seagrove Beach, Florida.

We called it Theo-llians 2011 :)

Here are some pics from the week.

The 7 children- Karen, Kevin, Laura, Keith, Kelley, Me, and Jen.

My biological sisters are the two with the sunglasses.

The 6 grandkids- Cameron, Elizabeth, Sarah, Bradley, Anna, and Michael.

Everyone (see below).

Front Row: Keith (stepbrother), Bernie (Dad), Sarah (niece), Kelley (stepsister)

Second Row: Karen (stepsister), Terri (sister-in-law/Keith's wife), Laura (oldest biological sister), Matt (brother-in-law/Laura's hubby), Jen (biological sister), Elizabeth (niece)

Third Row: Cameron (nephew), Kevin (stepbrother), Kate (sister-in-law/Kevin's wife), Me and Anna, Mark (brother-in-law/Kelley's hubby)

Back Row: Michael (nephew), Pat (Mom), Ben (my hubby), and Bradley (nephew).

Brad and Anna

Sarah, Brad, and Anna

Cameron

Sarah

Cameron and Anna

Jen

Thoughts on The Question

"So what do you do all day?"

This is a funny question I've been asked a few times now that I'm a stay-at-home-mama. Well-meaning, but it always catches me off guard. I pause. I think. A bunch of thoughts run through my head. Well, let's see, I wake up at 6 to feed Anna, then I take her for a walk. I change her, put her down for naps, feed her every 3 hours, read to her, sing her songs (scary thought I know), try to think of things to keep her entertained and stimulated. I budget our money. I balance our banking accounts. I pay our bills. I plan, shop for, and cook all of our meals for the week. I keep track of our calendar, all of Anna's doctors appointments and treatment, and our car upkeep.  I run a ton of errands. I do all the laundry. I attempt to clean the apartment [attempt being the key word]. I read up on whatever baby needs are coming next so I'm not clueless (currently it's starting solids). I buy Ben's books and supplies for school. I try to find the best price for things we need. I pray for our family. I get gifts for birthdays, showers, Christmas. I plan all the ins and outs of any travelling we have to do, etc. Ok, you get the idea. I do a ton of stuff every day. In fact, I feel like I don't have time to do it all most of the time! But whenever I try to answer that one question, "So what do you do all day?" I feel like the answers that come out of my mouth always sound silly.

It's a new experience for me, being a stay at home mom. I enjoy it. I think it suits me- I've always been one to enjoy organizing, managing multiple things, and keeping things on track. But I think it's been hard transitioning to how I think I am perceived as a stay at home mom. I guess I think that because I'm not working outside the home, it's assumed that I can't. That I'm not that intelligent because I choose to change diapers all day. That others think it's an inferior position. Or something like that. Crazy, I know. I doubt people actually feel this way. I'm sure it's mostly in my head.

Ok, let's take this example. I meet someone for the first time. Said someone is married but does not have kids. Said someone is "successful". Said someone says innocently, "So what do you do?" I respond, "I stay at home with Anna". Then I swallow my PRIDE. Because my impulse is to say, "I stay at home with Anna, BUT I graduated third in my class and was voted "Most Likely to be Successful", I got into UGA's honor program and graduated in 4 years with two degrees and a 4.0, got a great GRE score, graduated from a top ten counseling program and learned how to do psychological reports in 3 months at my job". Um, HELLO PRIDE? It's like I want to say "Look at me! I AM smart!" Why do I secretly feel the need to prove this?

I've always wanted to at some point stay at home with my children. I think it's one of the highest callings I could have. I never thought that women who stayed at home were "less than." Quite the contrary! So why do I think others think that of me? Ugh. Sometimes I want to take a big ol' hammer to my pride.

So all that said, I've decided that I have lived up to my old high school superlative of "Most Likely to be Successful". I am successful- I have an amazing husband and a beautiful baby girl, and God has directed us to where we are now, which is the ultimate indication of "success"- to be obedient. Life is about pleasing God, not man. I can't wait to have more kids and raise them all! :)

Can anyone else relate to this? Or am I just crazy?

(I found this pic searching for "stay at home mom" and it cracked me up)

Day by Day

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep. When all the heavy thoughts come crashing down and won't leave my side. Dealing with things lately has been day by day. This type of situation is new in a way, because for the first three months we had so much on our plate that there wasn't time or energy to think much about Anna's leg. There was her eating, sleeping, food allergies. There was recovering from surgery. There was trying to figure out what would comfort her when she was upset, what her cues were, how to help her learn to fall asleep. There was Ben's finals. There was major sleep deprivation. Now that she is so easy to take care of, there is a whole lot of time. Time to think. Time to wonder. Time to worry.

Sometimes it just hits me- this wave of sadness that I don't see coming, can't explain. It just washes over me. The Sadness. Grief. I'm not even quite sure what it is over- grief over the "loss" of Anna's leg? Loss of normalcy? Fear of what's to come? Of her suffering? A combination of these things? All I know is The Sadness... the heaviness. It hits me like a ton of bricks. The reality of it all. It just sinks in sometimes.

Like times when I see my friend's new baby who is so perfect and healthy. Times when I see another pregnant woman who is so excited about her new bundle of joy. Times when I see a perfect little family with three or four kids- all healthy and happy. Or a beautiful little girl, perfect in every way. Nothing wrong. Nothing missing. All fingers, all toes. All arms, all....legs. Everything's there. Just as it should be. They don't even notice because well, that's the way it's supposed to be.

Sometimes I WANT so much to just be happy for a friend, or even a stranger, and I AM happy.... but I can't keep the Sadness from washing over me. I hate it because it robs my joy for that person, for that moment. That unexplainable Sadness pushes its way in and won't budge. Won't let me enjoy. The realization that our "normal" has been stolen away. That "normal" will never be us. The naivety that I once had- where everything was as it should be is just... gone. And I can't seem to get it back. Does that sound bad? Gosh I don't even know how else to describe it.

It feels like losing something over and over again. Something you can't replace. Like you are looking for something and you don't even know what it is. You just know it's missing. And you don't know how to find it. And everywhere you go, you are reminded that that something is missing... it's gone. That something that you don't even know what it is. You just know how important it was. And how much you miss it.

My sweet Anna, words cannot describe how much I love you. My heart aches for you when I think about all you have gone through already and what you have to go through still. I wish I could hold you forever and make everything okay. I would give you my leg if I could. I would go through surgery for you if I could. I wish more than anything you did not have to be away from your Daddy and me during that time. Even though it's not anytime soon, I still think about how I can't stand for you to be afraid. How I don't want to give you over to be taken away where you won't see us when you go to sleep or when you wake up. I don't want you to be scared, to feel abandoned because you don't understand what's happening. I already feel so helpless and it hasn't even happened. God, please protect our baby if that time comes. Please comfort her - wrap your arms around her when she is alone and sing over her. I pray that you would whisper your love to her over and over and she would rest peacefully in the shelter of your wings. That nothing would be able to harm her. Thank you for never leaving her. Thank you for never leaving me.