Ben and I had not been planning on having a baby. We were really excited to have one someday, hopefully when he graduated from PA school, but that was two years away. I am the currently the only breadwinner, and Ben has to study or be in class a total of 70 hours a week, so we 'knew' it 'didn't make sense' and of course we had to be in the 'right financial situation' to have a baby, because that's what society says is responsible.
We had been having mixed doubts about taking total baby control. We don't want to have 19 children like the Duggars, but we also knew that I had some symptoms in the past of what could possibly be infertility-related and that this is a real issue for a lot of women, especially as they get older. We wondered in the back of our heads if taking our family plannng completely into our own hands, based on finances, would backfire. We had some questions that if we waited, would we regret it? What if we had trouble having a baby at all? Ben's family has 5 siblings, and children are so important to him, as they are to me. We didn't want to imagine a life without them.
But like I said, these were just thoughts. We didn't act on them. I think they were more premonitions of what was to come. I think God was preparing us for what he wanted. He was opening our minds because he knew we were going to be having a baby NOW!
About two weeks before I had any physical sign that I was pregnant, I found out I was pregnant... from my husband! Ben said he had been praying and felt like God was telling him to read Psalm 127:4. He's never read that verse before and had no idea what it would say. When he opened to it, it read:
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth.
That was the specific verse 4 he was given. Then verse 5 continues with one we've all read:
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.
"What does that mean?" I asked. "We should try to have a baby?" He said, "I think it means you are pregnant". The Holy Spirit directed Ben to this verse, but also spoke into his spirit about its meaning for us. And it meant not that I should try to get pregnant, but that I was already pregnant.... and it was a blessing.
It's interesting how the verse specifically mentioned it being a blessing to have sons in one's youth, because that was one of the very things we were struggling with in waiting (Ben is 32, 6 years older than me).
I was surprised but still wasn't sure it was possible that I was pregnant. 2 weeks later, I found out via a test.
The great thing about how this happened is that we know God intended for us to have this baby now... and the first thing he spoke to us about it was that he or she was "a blessing" to us.... when our situation and society would say that it's NOT a blessing, but rather a burden, to have a baby at this point in our lives ... after all how will it be taken care of? It's not a matter of going from 2 incomes to 1 income- I am the 1 and only income until August 2012! So once I deliver we will be down to exactly 0 income.... and we all know how long a family can survive on that! Probably not even the length of the standard unpaid maternity leave, if that were even a route I felt comfortable taking. How will something be managed with a newborn, and without compromising what a newborn needs from his/her mother?
I don't have the answers, but I have the faith. God has spoken that this baby is a blessing, and I'll fight to believe it is so, even when I'm not sure exactly how. My friend who's a missionary in the middle east has reminded me that "hope that is seen is no hope at all".
I love how God operates so contradictory to how our world operates... the world sees children as a financial and emotional burden, one that requires the utmost planning- having all the proper ducks in a row, and being steady in one's career first and foremost. God sees any child as one of life's greatest blessings.
God remains as he always was... good. And he has given us the blessing of a future baby. We couldn't be happier, and more dependant on him, all at the same time. Isn't this what life is all about?
1 comment:
I am so excited for you! I got teary just reading this.
Children really are such a BLESSING. I feel like God has infused my life with new joy, peace, contentment with Adoration's presence in our lives. I also feel that James and I are living our highest calling---to be a father and a mother.
God really has a way of working things out financially when we are in His will and I have no doubt that He will provide what is needed for your sweet family. After all, He is ultimately the Father of this child and He always provides for His children.
Love ya'll. Will be prayin' for you!
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