Thoughts on The Question

"So what do you do all day?"

This is a funny question I've been asked a few times now that I'm a stay-at-home-mama. Well-meaning, but it always catches me off guard. I pause. I think. A bunch of thoughts run through my head. Well, let's see, I wake up at 6 to feed Anna, then I take her for a walk. I change her, put her down for naps, feed her every 3 hours, read to her, sing her songs (scary thought I know), try to think of things to keep her entertained and stimulated. I budget our money. I balance our banking accounts. I pay our bills. I plan, shop for, and cook all of our meals for the week. I keep track of our calendar, all of Anna's doctors appointments and treatment, and our car upkeep.  I run a ton of errands. I do all the laundry. I attempt to clean the apartment [attempt being the key word]. I read up on whatever baby needs are coming next so I'm not clueless (currently it's starting solids). I buy Ben's books and supplies for school. I try to find the best price for things we need. I pray for our family. I get gifts for birthdays, showers, Christmas. I plan all the ins and outs of any travelling we have to do, etc. Ok, you get the idea. I do a ton of stuff every day. In fact, I feel like I don't have time to do it all most of the time! But whenever I try to answer that one question, "So what do you do all day?" I feel like the answers that come out of my mouth always sound silly.

It's a new experience for me, being a stay at home mom. I enjoy it. I think it suits me- I've always been one to enjoy organizing, managing multiple things, and keeping things on track. But I think it's been hard transitioning to how I think I am perceived as a stay at home mom. I guess I think that because I'm not working outside the home, it's assumed that I can't. That I'm not that intelligent because I choose to change diapers all day. That others think it's an inferior position. Or something like that. Crazy, I know. I doubt people actually feel this way. I'm sure it's mostly in my head.

Ok, let's take this example. I meet someone for the first time. Said someone is married but does not have kids. Said someone is "successful". Said someone says innocently, "So what do you do?" I respond, "I stay at home with Anna". Then I swallow my PRIDE. Because my impulse is to say, "I stay at home with Anna, BUT I graduated third in my class and was voted "Most Likely to be Successful", I got into UGA's honor program and graduated in 4 years with two degrees and a 4.0, got a great GRE score, graduated from a top ten counseling program and learned how to do psychological reports in 3 months at my job". Um, HELLO PRIDE? It's like I want to say "Look at me! I AM smart!" Why do I secretly feel the need to prove this?

I've always wanted to at some point stay at home with my children. I think it's one of the highest callings I could have. I never thought that women who stayed at home were "less than." Quite the contrary! So why do I think others think that of me? Ugh. Sometimes I want to take a big ol' hammer to my pride.

So all that said, I've decided that I have lived up to my old high school superlative of "Most Likely to be Successful". I am successful- I have an amazing husband and a beautiful baby girl, and God has directed us to where we are now, which is the ultimate indication of "success"- to be obedient. Life is about pleasing God, not man. I can't wait to have more kids and raise them all! :)

Can anyone else relate to this? Or am I just crazy?

(I found this pic searching for "stay at home mom" and it cracked me up)

Day by Day

It's one of those nights where I can't sleep. When all the heavy thoughts come crashing down and won't leave my side. Dealing with things lately has been day by day. This type of situation is new in a way, because for the first three months we had so much on our plate that there wasn't time or energy to think much about Anna's leg. There was her eating, sleeping, food allergies. There was recovering from surgery. There was trying to figure out what would comfort her when she was upset, what her cues were, how to help her learn to fall asleep. There was Ben's finals. There was major sleep deprivation. Now that she is so easy to take care of, there is a whole lot of time. Time to think. Time to wonder. Time to worry.

Sometimes it just hits me- this wave of sadness that I don't see coming, can't explain. It just washes over me. The Sadness. Grief. I'm not even quite sure what it is over- grief over the "loss" of Anna's leg? Loss of normalcy? Fear of what's to come? Of her suffering? A combination of these things? All I know is The Sadness... the heaviness. It hits me like a ton of bricks. The reality of it all. It just sinks in sometimes.

Like times when I see my friend's new baby who is so perfect and healthy. Times when I see another pregnant woman who is so excited about her new bundle of joy. Times when I see a perfect little family with three or four kids- all healthy and happy. Or a beautiful little girl, perfect in every way. Nothing wrong. Nothing missing. All fingers, all toes. All arms, all....legs. Everything's there. Just as it should be. They don't even notice because well, that's the way it's supposed to be.

Sometimes I WANT so much to just be happy for a friend, or even a stranger, and I AM happy.... but I can't keep the Sadness from washing over me. I hate it because it robs my joy for that person, for that moment. That unexplainable Sadness pushes its way in and won't budge. Won't let me enjoy. The realization that our "normal" has been stolen away. That "normal" will never be us. The naivety that I once had- where everything was as it should be is just... gone. And I can't seem to get it back. Does that sound bad? Gosh I don't even know how else to describe it.

It feels like losing something over and over again. Something you can't replace. Like you are looking for something and you don't even know what it is. You just know it's missing. And you don't know how to find it. And everywhere you go, you are reminded that that something is missing... it's gone. That something that you don't even know what it is. You just know how important it was. And how much you miss it.

My sweet Anna, words cannot describe how much I love you. My heart aches for you when I think about all you have gone through already and what you have to go through still. I wish I could hold you forever and make everything okay. I would give you my leg if I could. I would go through surgery for you if I could. I wish more than anything you did not have to be away from your Daddy and me during that time. Even though it's not anytime soon, I still think about how I can't stand for you to be afraid. How I don't want to give you over to be taken away where you won't see us when you go to sleep or when you wake up. I don't want you to be scared, to feel abandoned because you don't understand what's happening. I already feel so helpless and it hasn't even happened. God, please protect our baby if that time comes. Please comfort her - wrap your arms around her when she is alone and sing over her. I pray that you would whisper your love to her over and over and she would rest peacefully in the shelter of your wings. That nothing would be able to harm her. Thank you for never leaving her. Thank you for never leaving me.

Five Months

I know I'm a week early- but Anna is practically five months old! While many nicknames come and go, "Pumpkin" seems to be the one that has stuck :) What strikes me the most about Anna this month is how HAPPY she is. All the time! I still can't believe it! It's like this magic switch turned on at 4 months and she does nothing but smile and coo. I knew it would happen at some point, but I didn't expect it to be this early or this drastic. I can actually go into stores and do things and she just sits quietly and looks all around. Everywhere we go people comment on how happy she is! Even the worker in the church nursery said she has never seen a baby smile at her when getting her diaper changed the way Anna did :) This makes my heart happy because it certainly was a rough first 3 months. Maybe this was due to her traumatic birth, the separation, or her GI pain for all those months. Maybe it was a combination of things. Either way, I'm so glad she is finally joyful and at peace!

Some pics from this month:

Anna did great during her first beach trip and meeting 20+ family members. She let everyone hold her, slept well in a new place, and wasn't bothered by all the daytime noise. My mom suggested getting her used to change before 6 months, and I'm glad we had the opportunity. Now she seems to be able to adapt to new sleeping situations fairly quickly, with a few requirements- it has to be dark and there can't be too much outside noise creeping in. She loved meeting all her siblings and cousins. She did have a bad bout with eczema at the beach house. Not sure if it was the sunscreen (we used physical sunscreen but it might have still bothered her) or the regular changing from cold air conditioning to hot beach weather. We managed to get it under control using some Aveeno Baby Eczema Therapy lotion. She loves being in the pool!

Anna has been laughing since last month and loves to laugh. She giggles when people are expressive and laughing themselves- including the pediatrician, who called in his wife to witness her cackling :) On a side note, we love our doc- he had a sponsoring Shriner show up at our well-visit to meet us and get an appointment for her at Shriners Children's Hospital in Greenville. Child orthodontic conditions are their specialty and they have a complete prosthetics department on site. They don't even bring up the issue of money as everything is paid for by their sponsorship program all the way until the child is 18- what a blessing (shout out to Justin Timberlake who is the number one donor to Shriners Hospitals). We have an appointment for Sept 26.

She LOVES to roll over- put her on her back and in 2 seconds she will have switched to her tummy. She prefers hanging out on her tummy with her head and chest pushed off the ground so she can see what's up. She loves to be held and can bear most of her weight on just her one little leg- what a trooper! She regularly talks to herself and makes these vowel-consant sounds (ah-goo). So cute.

She still goes to sleep at 6:30 and now sleeps for 9 to 10 hours or so before waking up to eat, then goes back down for another 2 hours or so. I was so happy when she dropped her other night feeding at the beach! She's not really on a strict schedule, mainly because she wakes up at different times in the morning. Sometimes she wakes up as early as 6, other times as late as 7:30. But overall, she eats every 3 hours and is sleepy and ready for a nap after about one-and-a-half hours of being awake.

Anna, we love you more and more as time goes by. You have proven yourself to be such a fighter from the very beginning. You are so filled with joy and I know you will bring joy to everyone around you. I can't help but think that God blessed you in this way knowing the challenges you were up against. I try to soak in every moment spent holding and cuddling you- every laugh and giggle and contented coo. I'm so thankful that you love to be held, cuddled, and kissed because that is my favorite thing to do! I pray God will help me to show His unfailing love for you, how "altogether beautiful you are; there is no flaw in you" [SoS], and that everything in this world is a loss compared to knowing the greatness of your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May he shine powerfully in your life. I love you sweetheart.

DIY Bench

We've been staying at my parents for a few days, and I've always really liked this bench in their guest room. My mom randomly happened to say "Oh, yeah I made that" to which I replied "What? You MADE that?" She proceeded to tell me how she easily turned an old TV stand into a sweet little sitting bench. I was thoroughly impressed. I knew my mom was quite the decorator but little did I know she also has such DIY skills. Here's a picture. It doesn't quite do it justice, because it looks so cute in the room.

She spray painted the bench first. Then she got some thick foam at a Lowes and covered it with coordinating fabric (you would need to know how to use a sewing machine). Voila! Simple as that. We're currently using it as Anna's changing table.

I've really enjoyed hanging out at my parents. It's so peaceful. I especially love their new garden and have been impressed with their gardening skills. I love being able to see so much greenery from the house.

My mother's style is much more contemporary than mine (go figure) but I still love her simple, clean lines. And all the lovely plants. She taught me that combining a bunch of different types of furniture that go well together is more appealing than getting complete matchy matchy sets from furniture stores.

 

(Notice all our baby stuff?)

Anna likes it too. Nice change in scenery.

Grace

"Pride is woven into the fabric of our fallen nature from conception. We naturally think of ourselves as fairly good people, and if we try harder to do better, then surely we will deserve more blessing from God. We know not how blind we are to our own sinfulness and unworthiness. Only the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth, can open our inner eyes to see ourselves in God’s light for what we really are. When God’s searchlight shines into the deep recesses of our souls we see the shocking truth about our true condition and discover that indeed there is not one thread of worthiness in the fabric of our souls."

http://www.adisciplesnotebook.com/