1. Get dressed. It sounds simple, but it's easy to overlook. Some days it seems like a lot of work to get dressed and take a shower in the morning when I have to find a way to keep Anna occupied and have so many other things to do. However, I keep it a priority because if I put myself together it makes a huge difference in my attitude. I feel better. To make the process easier, I skip the makeup and hair styling (I don't generally do these things anyway). You might laugh, but I often still wear the clothes I used to go to work in. I've rebelled against the idea that I can't wear what I like simply because I stay at home for my "job." Anna doesn't spit up or fling baby food (yet) so this makes it easy to wear what I want.
2. Be careful what you read online. There is a lot of bad information out there. Googling something related to your little one and reading up on it can be a nightmare. While it's good to know a certain degree of information, sometimes ignorance is bliss (do you really want to know all the problems other parents had with teething when you may never encounter any of them?). Be careful not to let yourself be consumed by information, good or bad. Instead of googling, go to a few trusted websites that are compatible with your values and search for your questions within them. My personal favorites are Dr. Sears and Kellymom. http://www.askdrsears.com/ and http://www.kellymom.com/.
3. Get outside. If I don't get outside at least twice a day, I get gloomy. I need the sun, wind, and fresh air. We don't have a lot of space outside, but I can still find a way to make it work. Sometimes I put down a blanket on the grass and let Anna play while I read. Other times I take her swinging on the playground. If she's taking a nap I might plop my fold up chair outside the apartment for a little while.
4. Learn when to say no. Gone are the days when you could spend lots of time going out with friends and travelling all over to visit family. This has been one of the biggest adjustments for us as parents of an infant, and I think it's an adjustment for the others in your life, as well. Your friends may not understand why you can't go out to eat last minute at 7:00 at night. Your family members might be surprised that you can't travel and visit as frequently as you used to. We've learned that trying to meet everyone's pre-baby expectations only results in frazzled parents and an unhappy baby. We've realized that since we are the ones who ultimately have to deal with the consequences of a too-packed schedule, we are responsible for putting limits on what we can do at this stage of life. Do what you realistically can, but know when to politely decline and stay home. The people who love you will understand.
Nevertheless,
5. Maintain a healthy level of socializing. Going out, meeting a friend, or even going to church can seem like too much of a hassle to be worth it sometimes. For example, I met up with my friend Kristen and her baby the other day. Multiple catastrophes ensued resulting in roadsides stops, a delayed timetable that led to unexpected feedings, etc. By the time we were actually in the same location and one of us didn't have to feed, change, or clean up after a baby it had been over an hour and we only had 25 minutes to hang out! While it may not seem worth the trouble, it is. It's worth it to connect. We still had a great time!
6. Don't compare. If you take a minute to look around at other moms, you will surely feel like there is more that you are not doing than you are doing. There are often days when I do not hold long conversations with Anna to "build" her vocabulary, don't read her 4-7 books, and don't try to teach her animal names, colors, or numbers. It's ok. Your child doesn't have to be the next prodigy to be valuable. In the end, I remind myself that loving my child is enough. If I love her she will thrive.
7. Take advice with a grain of salt. Lots of people give advice- some of it is really good, and some of it is really bad. Many times people just see a part of the picture when they are with your child for a few hours or a few days. You have the wider perspective on what your child needs. It's ok if people don't always understand your choices. It's not your job to please others. We received lots of advice regarding not holding Anna too much or getting her to sleep through the night. We did not follow much of this advice, and we are happy with the results of our personal choices. In the same breath, don't be so close minded that you develop a "my way or the highway" attitude either. It's a balance that we're still learning. It helps when it's people you trust giving the advice- Anna's grandparents are all great and we are happy to receive advice from them.
8. Exercise. Just do it. My husband is a runner- he grew up running. I am not. I grew up exercising in a classroom setting with music and movement (ballet). Running is like torture to me. My favorite kind of exercise in Athens was ballroom dancing and Jazzercise. Those things aren't available where we are now, so I do what I can. In the summer I swim laps and walk. In the winter I do some pilates. Anything but run :)
9. Keep things in perspective. I recently had a conversation with a friend about how it's so easy to be up-and-down emotionally if you draw conclusions based on your child's actions over a relatively short period of time. For example, if your baby struggles to gain weight and he hardly had anything that day, you might feel a wreck. Or if your toddler's struggle is temper tantrums and he has several meltdowns after a period of improvement it can be easy to find yourself in a roller coaster of emotion and frustration. I've had to learn to step back and look at the big picture. Is my baby overall eating better? (or is my toddler overall learning to control his behavior more?) Trying to focus on the general pattern is much easier than being an emotional slave to the events of a few days.
10. Don't be afraid to ask people to wash their hands before they hold your baby. I'm generally not too paranoid about germs and never have been. Perhaps it comes from camping in Guatemala or living in India where children play in the dirt and eat food off the floor. But I am a little more wary when it comes to cold and flu season because it's truly miserable to have a sick infant with a cold (who cannot blow their nose). It's ok to ask people to wash their hands before they hold your baby, especially if they just came back from being out at the store or with other people. As Sarah says, "If anyone gets offended, just say that you're thrilled they're willing to come over and take care of a screaming, clingy, sick baby for the next week!" :) Before I had a baby, I wouldn't have thought about washing my hands before holding someone else's, so sometimes people just don't know and don't mind being asked. If it keeps her from getting sick, I figure it's worth being labeled "that parent."
11. She will be fine. My background is working with emotionally disturbed children and adults. Anxiety, depression, psychosis, obsessive compulsive disorder, eating disorders, phobias, suicidal tendencies, autism, bipolar disorder, bullying, relational bullying (think 12-year-old girls), you name it. When you see pathology or torment so often, it's easy to be overly worried about it yourself. Especially when I think about Anna's surgery and her future physical difference. I once asked a former mentor counselor how she dealt with this fear in terms of her own children. She said when she makes a mistake of some sort, she just reminds herself that there's grace. And lots of it. And then she lets it go. My personal mantra is "She will be fine. There's grace."
12. Give your spouse a minute. Ben and I realized early on that when he comes home, it's best if I don't bombard him with a million things, asking him to hold the baby so I can do something or even just asking business questions (even if they've been on my mind all day). Instead, when he first comes home, we typically chit-chat about how our days went. Then Ben takes a minute to do a few things and I go about my business. Eventually he's ready to hang out with Anna and help so I can make dinner. Everyone is more happy and relaxed this way.
13. Appreciate what you have. As Kristina says, "these are the best days of your life." Enjoy them. Even the hard days. I try to remember what Graham Cooke always said, "There are no good days and bad days. Only days of grace. Sometimes God gives us the grace to enjoy. Sometimes he gives us the grace to endure."
And finally,
14. Let go of guilt. Yes, your children are your earthly responsiblity to love, protect, and provide for. But above this, they belong to God, and if you are seeking him then he will care for them better than you ever could. You can't control everything and you can't fix everything (and you don't need to). Let go of your guilt and trust God (easier said then done, I know).
Now let's see if I can remember these things in a few hours, he he...
Sittin up like a big girl.
I LOVE this! Thanks for all the great reminders!
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