Swinging

This morning we had one of our big doctors appointments with the surgeon. Not sure what I expected exactly, but mostly we just came away with a bunch of question marks, uncertainties, and feeble professional attempts to not get our hopes up. Coming home, Ben had to immediately take a final, which he was able to just skate by. He has another one tomorrow that he had to start cramming for right away. It's not that he isn't or doesn't want to be supportive, it's just that having an infant does a number on your academics. And he has to finish the semester. He's doing it for his family, really, so of course I wasn't upset at him for not being able to be there for me much today. There's little he could say anyway- it was probably better to just be alone.

I took a walk while Anna was sleeping. Just around the apartment. I desperately wanted to get away to clear my head, but there isn't much in the way of privacy where we are. And I couldn't stay in the apartment. I headed for the complex's playground... because, well..... they have a swingset. I always used to go swinging as a child when I felt the world was too much for me to bear.

I swung and swung. I usually swing with Anna in the carrier in the mornings, but I felt so much lighter without her hanging from my shoulders. I could swing higher. So I did. It was as if I weighed nothing. I closed my eyes, felt the wind in my face... looked up at the stormy clouds overhead.

I didn't feel  like listening to worship or praise music so I put on Taylor Swift's "Best Day" on my ipod. It's a nostalgic song that brings her back to the simplicity of her childhood.

I wanted to feel like a kid again. A kid without the weight of the world on my shoulders. A kid who doesn't have to think about how to help her baby, and how to protect her from what the future holds.  How to be strong for her when I feel like I could fall apart at any moment.

I guess I'm just tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of trying to be strong. Tired of being patient, of waiting. Tired of holding it all in. Tired of trying to see the best of things or be thankful for the blessings I do have. Tired of praying. Tired of feeling helpless. Alone. I want to pretend like nothing is happening in the world except me swinging in the breeze... higher and higher. If only I could float off this swing and be lifted up and away.... away from what? I don't really know. From decision making... from responsibilty.... from the burden of loving another so much that your heart aches and not being able to do anything for them. From the unknown.

It felt good to just.... swing. To just Be.

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief."

Psalm 31:9